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Monday, April 28, 2014

Why I changed my mind

Back in November,  I decreed that I would not date for at least a year.

Yeah,  about that.....

I've had it.  I am rescinding my decree.  I no longer need the black and whiteness of that decision.

It's spring (sort of)  and warmer weather makes me want to get out in the world,  go on dates,  have adventures. Plus,  it's fun to go to nice restaurants and not have to pay for it. :-)

My decision not to date was a freedom based decision.  But it was also a reaction to an emotional hurt and being alone was preferable to being hurt. 

I've grown a lot in six months.  Much more than I realized,  actually.  I've gotten so strong in who I am and what I am worth.  At times a little too strong,  perhaps.  But I'm in a much different place today than six months ago.

So I'm going to put myself out there.  I went to a singles party with church last Saturday.  I'm on an online dating site (although I am passively on-I don't make first contact anymore).  I have a date on Saturday night with a guy who makes me laugh so hard that I am still laughing about something he said yesterday.  Will he be a fit? Probably not but at least I will make a new friend and have fun doing it.

My expectations for dating could not be lower-that is actually a good thing. I am approaching it as entertainment and not much more these days.

I am a different Rachel than the one who swore off dating.  Hopefully this doesn't make you disappointed in me.  Instead I hope you feel excited that I've gotten to a place where I can date and not get too wrapped up in it.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

today i felt the fear


I had a very important meeting today. I was nervous. I doubted myself.

Then I put on my big girl pants, took a deep breath and knocked it out of the park.

It was a great meeting. The outcome isn't certain but once it is, I will be celebrating the crap out of it.

I feel amazing.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

you reap what you sow.

I don't think I've ever gone on a pop culture rant on my blog before, but I'm ripe for one today!

I got my US Weekly in the mail today. Don't judge. The ex got the subscription for me for a very low price; I will not be renewing it.

Here's the cover:

Tori Spelling and her husband Dean are struggling through a cheating scandal. Boo hoo, right?

This article is about how strong Tori is and how she is so compassionate and understanding yet so shattered by his cheating. 

Then a little sidebar: She and Dean were both married to OTHER PEOPLE when they had their own affair.

At the time, there was no remorse from Tori. She and Dean were meant to be together, they were "soul mates" (gag) and even though they had an affair, it was all good because they just loved each other so much.

Right.

Flash forward seven years and now Tori is the one dealing with a shattered life. In the article, she makes no parallels between her having a hand in breaking up Dean's previous family (he had a child then). It's all about how Dean did this to her and how will she ever put her life back together and how will she ever trust him again...

I fail to have any compassion for any of these idiots. You reap what you sow.  I just feel sorry for their kids.

I would have a slight bit of compassion if either of them took responsibility for their poor choices in their affair. But in my experience, people who have affairs only want to justify why they did it.

Don't cheat. It hurts people and will follow you forever.

Bottom line: I know it is ridiculous to get fired up over Donna Martin. But I have seen so much pain caused due to infidelity. Many of my friends that I've made post divorce have had this in their life. I also have several dear friends whom I love that have been the cheaters. The difference between them and Tori, however, is that they take responsibility for their behavior, they have repented and they have dealt with the consequences of their behavior. End your relationship before starting a new one. It allows for respect and dignity.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

beautiful things

In the winter of 2012, my life was chaos. My marriage had ended, I was struggling very badly and my kids were as well. It was the most awful period of my life, ever.  

Every Monday, my kids and I would go to DivorceCare. On each drive, we would listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor over and over. During the darkest part of our lives, that song gave us hope that things might get better.

One night Ethan drew this for me:


Isn't he just the best? "Don't listen to the dust Mom. I am sorry that you are sad. I love you. God makes beautiful things out of the dust." This proves that kids do listen to song lyrics!

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


So flash forward to today. On my way to a meeting, I was listening to Beautiful Things again. Each time I hear it, it brings back memories of that difficult time. However, today I noticed that although those memories will never be erased, they have been handled. Here's the next verse:

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new


God is faithful. Always. God has made us new. God has taken the ugliest of things and created something beautiful from it. Hope is springing up. Obedience sprang out of chaos. I am just so thankful to love a sovereign God that has a plan for me and my kids. Our story continues. 

Two years ago, I never imagined the tears and ache would stop. I thought my kids would be ruined. None of my fears came true. God has made us new. Believe that.

Here is the cover art for that song--look very closely!


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

gratitude



My dear friend Rachel made me a calendar that has a monthly theme.

The theme for March was Gratitude.

I have so much to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget to stop pushing and just sit back and be grateful.

I hosted a big dinner party here last Saturday night. I worked hard to get the house spit spot, Courtney worked hard to create an amazing meal and together we created a glorious evening. I am so grateful I have a home. I'm so grateful I have THIS home. (So are my kids--I told them we were moving this morning as an April Fool's joke--they panicked and freaked out! Not funny, I was told.)

I'm grateful that I have an ex that pays me support faithfully--his leaving me enabled me to create my business and follow my dream.

I'm grateful my kids are happy and healthy. It was a tough road to get them here but they have arrived.

I'm grateful for high speed internet. And my phone.

I'm grateful for my amazing family, who I realize is even more amazing than I thought almost every single day. They are people I actually WANT to hang out with. Not sure many can say the same for their families. I realize it is unusual.

I'm grateful for clients that drop into my lap and for opportunities that pop up out of nowhere.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to write without worry of censorship.

I'm grateful to be 36, single and the mom of two kids. It isn't where I imagined I would be but now I can't imagine being anywhere else.