the ugly cry

Well, it had to come out sometime.

Ever since the financial bomb went off last Tuesday, my soul has been trying to get its ugly cry on. Hasn't happened. The best I was able to do was to get a cracking headache and walk around with heavy shoulders.

But today, it found a way out! Of course, it was at church. And of course, I was in the front row since I had to be on stage at various times. Thankfully, the ugly cry waited until my speaking parts were done. 

I love worship music. It's how I chill with God. It centers my head in a way that reading the Bible or being in prayer can't. So our awesome music leader started singing The Desert Song by Hillsong. The lyrics just smacked me in the face and the ugly cry began. 

After a minute of trying to wipe at my eyes and not completely lose it, I felt a tap on my shoulder and saw a pack of tissues. Darling Katie, a few rows back, passed them up. Then Shelcy came and sat right next to me and wrapped me up, while I dripped tears (but not snot, I promise Shelcy!) on her arms. Somehow feeling love from these friends made me cry harder so I just let it go. It actually felt really good to get it out.

Unfortunately it isn't done. I've been breaking into tears on and off all afternoon. Ethan is circling me like a hawk and keeps finding me to check in. He's calling himself The Security Guard. He is such a sweet and precious boy--he just wants his mom to be okay. I struggle with showing this side of my emotional life to my kids. I don't want him to be worried about the things I'm worried about, but I also need him to understand that life isn't always perfect. 

This level of being down doesn't happen to me often. I've been worrying over things, been frustrated over things, been complaining about things. The reason I finally broke down is because I realized something very simple. I am trying to handle adversity on my own. I wasn't taking it to Jesus. It's so simple, yet somehow I continually forget. 

Below are the lyrics to this song. Not sure if Hillsong wrote it but that's the version I downloaded when I got home. Every line of this song is speaking to me right now. But the one I am choosing to focus on (or planning to when I can stop crying) is this: So refine me, Lord, through the flame. The Lord has been refining me since the minute I found out I was getting divorced. My continuing question has always been "Lord, what am I supposed to learn? What parts of me need to be refined?". When you ask God questions like this, He will make it painfully clear what He's trying to do. :)

"Desert Song"
[Verse 1:]
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
[Verse 2:]
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame
[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
[Verse 3:]
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
[Bridge 4x:]
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
[Verse 4:]
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow