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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Weigh In Wednesday

Okay, I hopped on the scale and broke it!  Kidding, although not really.

I have the number so today that number is 0.  Each Wednesday I will report back--hopefully the number will get bigger each week!

Goal is to get to 20 by March.


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Tenacious Tuesday #1

Here we are!  Tenacious Tuesday, first installment.

I am not tenacious.  Tenacious is defined as tending to keep a firm hold of something; clinging or adhering closely.  I am resilient and enduring; I am not tenacious.

My daughter is tenacious.  When she wants to learn a new skill, she goes all out.  She wanted to learn how to swing so she did it without stopping until she figured it out and mastered it.  Same with learning to swim and dive.  She does not give up.  

I am not like her.  I am scared to fail so I rarely make progress towards my goals.  By not making progress, I haven't really failed, at least in my mind.  You can't fail if you never start!

Yes, I understand that is a terrible rationalization but it got me here so I guess I should be thankful?

Anyhow, this is how we got here.  A month into my year of progress with very little progress.  Tenacious Tuesday will be my way of keeping accountability to my goals.

Win: I met with a financial planner, twice now!  We put together a budget (I am now on a cash plan only).  She said my situation was not nearly as bad as I think it is.  We will meet again in a month to see how my first month of budgeting went.  

Win: Right after I went to the ATM to get my cash out for the week, I found 5 bucks in the snow!  Yay for me! 

Win: I am making homemade chicken noodle soup for my kids tonight! 

Win: I have been hard at work creating my goals for the next year for my life and business.

Fail: I logged my lowest amounts of steps this week.

Fail: I had to put my gym membership on hold due to the budget.

Fail: I still haven't cleared my driveway of all the snow.

Fail: I haven't worked out in quite some time. 

Well now, that wasn't so hard!  Feels good to have an equal number of wins and fails.

Tomorrow I will start Weigh In Wednesday.  Weight loss is a huge goal that has been holding me down for many years now.  I feel like if I could just conquer this obstacle, everything in my life will sparkle and be perfect!  So not true, but that is how it feels.  I am not one of those women who hopes to love herself once she loses weight.  I do love myself most of the time and just want my insides to match my outsides.  I do want someone to love me one day as far as a romantic partner goes and I would like to offer my best self.  

Speaking of that, I had a great idea for a coaching product: Best Life Yet.  So in order for me to coach authentically and not feel like a fraud, I need to get to MY best life yet.  As a coach I sell myself and clients will know if I am legit or not!

In the future I hope to set more mini goals for myself and then tie them to Tuesdays.  Hold me accountable!

Monday, December 16, 2013

getting focused

So here I am, nearly one month into my year of living healthfully.  I've gained back all the weight I lost on the detox and then some.  I've got nearly zero traction towards any of my goals.  Ugh.  This, unfortunately, is not a surprise.

This is my pattern.  Make big pronouncements and plans.  Then do nothing.  Over and over.  Then I wonder why I'm exactly where I was before.

I think accountability may be the answer here.  That isn't something that I really have, except for this blog.

So tomorrow begins a new feature!  Tenacious Tuesday.  On Tuesdays I will provide updates on what I've been working on.  If I fail to do this, please inundate my inbox with comments and threats!

And Wednesdays will become Weigh In Wednesdays.  I will not be posting my actual weight because it is far too horrifying.  But we will start with 0 and hopefully get that number up to 20 by the time I leave for Disney in March! 

Please keep me accountable.  I need help.  I have no adult in this house to keep me focused (and truthfully, that didn't help even when I did).  Gather around me and kick my ass forward!!!

Also, if you'd like to join my Facebook group, click here!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

the most wonderful time of the year?

This holiday season is proving to be a tough one for me.   My ex asked for the divorce on December 23, 2011 around 10 PM.  Nice timing.  No thought at all about how it would impact the kids and of course it was MY fault for making him tell me that night.  Never mind the fact that he had been ignoring me for a week and spent each night in the bathroom till 2 AM texting his girlfriend.  But I digress.

I thought the holidays would be hard last year since it was my first year alone.  But I was so excited about how good life had gotten that I felt pretty upbeat and positive about the whole thing.

This year is not so good.  All the beautiful lights, the songs, the d├ęcor--it all is bringing back very painful memories.  And that makes me irate.  Seriously.  Why do I allow a person like that to steal my joy?  Why do I allow his crappy choices to affect me still, two years later? 

I am blessed to be out of that marriage.  I am blessed to parent my children on my own.  I am blessed in my new life.  I know all these things.

He and I had a huge text fight the other night and I had a total emotional meltdown.  After sobbing on the phone with my mom for a while, I made an appointment with my therapist.  :)  Clearly the work is not done!

All I can do is hope that I find true healing at some point and that all this grossness will help me in my business as I coach other women through this. 

But I still wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

Monday, December 2, 2013


I have been feeling irrationally irritated the last week or so.  Not entirely sure why.  It's the holiday season--normally I feel joyful and peaceful.

So what's my problem?

One major source of discontent is the amount of crap in my house.  Seriously, this house is overflowing with crap.  Everywhere I look I see something that should be given away.  A massive purge is on my agenda for 2014, culminating in a garage sale in May.  I hope to reduce the amount of crap by half--how's that for a giant goal?

Another source of discontent is my kids.  I love my kids, just like every other parent out there.  But sometimes being a single mom is exhausting.  I am playing too many roles and it is wearing me out.  I get 7 hours away from my kids each week.  7 hours.  That is when their dad has them so during that time, I spend it running errands, cleaning, working and sometimes visiting with friends.  Not much time.  The rest of the time I am on duty for them, even when they are at school.  If the nurse calls, I am the one who has to drop what I'm doing and take on sick kid duty.  If there isn't school, I am on duty. 

Don't get me wrong--this is what I wanted from the divorce and I don't want it to change.  I would feel adrift if I didn't have daily, meaningful contact with my kids each day.  But once in a while I would like a clean house for more than a few hours, I would like a shopping trip to Target that doesn't end in badgering Mom hard enough to make her snap, I would like to be able to focus on my business for more than 30 minute blocks of time.  Just once in a while.

I need to figure out some solutions so that 2014 can be even better than 2013.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

you attract what you put out there

If it is true that you attract what you put out there, I need to seriously look at what I am putting out there!

Since I have been single, I have been on many dates.  Only a handful of them interested me enough for second dates.  None of them turned into a viable relationship.

One theme I have noticed is that I tend to attract emotionally unavailable men.  They seem normal enough but eventually the unavailability becomes clear and they disappear.

I learned while doing my coaching certification is that my top values are humor, playfulness, connection, emotional intimacy and positivity.  I need to be able to honor those values in my daily life, as a mom, with my family of origin as well as in a romantic relationship.

I'm doing pretty good at honoring them now in my life.  I wasn't when I was married, that became clear quite easily once I realized what my values actually were (sad that I didn't know until I was 35!).

I have not been able to honor these in a romantic relationship yet.  No one has been the right person.  I tend to attract very serious, emotionally unavailable men who have a hard time having fun.  They are attracted to me because I am fun and I have a great sense of humor.  I need to stop attracting these types of men! I tell ya, it's like bees to honey.  Yuck.

I am excited at the possibilities this year of determined singleness will bring!  I finally have given myself permission to give up for a year.  It is such a HUGE relief that I really can't express it in words.

My hope is that as I continue to figure out myself and my needs as a 36 year old single mom, I will begin to attract the right kind of man.  A man who loves the Lord.  A man who is wickedly funny and cracks me up.  A man who is up for adventure.  A man who likes to camp and take road trips.  A man that sees my kiddos as blessings.  A man who wants to spend time with me like it is going out of style.  A man who desires an emotional connection.  He's out there.  I just need to work on myself before I can find him.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Why I am not dating for the next year

As I've been mulling over what it means to be healthy, I realized that for me, in this season of my life, being single is being healthy.

I've spent my whole life trying to be something that someone wanted.  I thought that "love" and attention would somehow validate me, make me realize that I am worth it.  It hasn't worked.

Since my divorce, I have had a love/hate relationship with my singleness.  When I was first divorced, I was on a near frantic quest to find someone.  I didn't really want all the relationship stuff--I just wanted to feel wanted.  As if knowing that someone wanted to be with me would be enough to make me believe I was enough.  Didn't work.

A recent strange little attempt at a relationship ended.  Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved.  I don't really want to deal with a relationship at this point.  I was pissed though, that this little failure made me feel lonely again.  I had done a good job for many months, letting the loneliness come and go without killing me.  It had just become a thing in my life, instead of crushing thing that I obsessed over.  This person had me believing it could be something special and in the end, it was the same old crap.  So I was pissed at myself for falling for it.

So where does that leave me?  Alone.  Single.  I am okay with that.  In fact, I think I NEED this.  So I am committing to no dating for at least one year.  I don't need it.  It stresses me out and puts my head in a place that I don't like.

No online dating.  No seeking guys out.  If Mr. Wonderful happens to wander into my life organically, I will build a friendship with him and nothing more until my year is up.  

This isn't a fear based decision.  It is a FREEDOM based decision!  And coming from a recovering codependent, that is powerful.  

I am too awesome to waste myself on people that don't appreciate it.  :)

Monday, November 18, 2013

yo, it's about that time....

Today is the official kick off to the Year of Living Healthfully!  Thank you for joining me here!  

Last year, I decided my 35th year would be my best year ever!  It didn't quite pan out that way--it was a pretty good year but I didn't accomplish what I wanted.  It was a growing year and I wasn't ready to put the work in the way that I needed to. 

But my 36th year?  Going to rock the casbah on this one!  I am feeling better emotionally than I have in many years, which means I have the stamina to create the physical changes I have been longing for.

Goals for this year:
1. Lose weight, but in increments.  I will break this huge goal down into many small goals.
2. Create a spiritual discipline around prayer and devotion.  God has brought me through the most challenging season of my life!  
3. Get my financial house in order.
4. Grow my business!   

I will elaborate on these goals as time goes by and probably add new ones.  But for now, that's a start.

If you would like to join the closed Facebook group for the Year of Living Healthfully, click here.

Onward to my best year ever!  I'd love to hear what plans you have for your year!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Disturbing realization

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts since I started this cleanse.  Sure, I have felt tired and had low energy and been emotionally hungry.  But today I noticed that I seem a little down, more so than I would expect.

Something that JT (my brother-in-law) said to me the other day resonated today.  He learned in AA that if you take away the thing that makes you happy (for him, alcohol, for me, food) and don't figure out how to get happy without it, you will be a miserable human being.

I do not want to be a miserable human being.  But I am realizing that food, soda and alcohol have brought me much happiness and comfort over the past eight years.  It kept me company when my husband ignored me; it made me happy when my children made me crazy.  It is embarassing to say those things.  But it has been my companion for many years--my unhealthy, abusive companion but my companion nonetheless.

I miss the fleeting joy I would get from drinking a diet coke.  I miss the happiness I would feel when eating something that I knew was bad for me but just didn't care.

I am not giving up on this year of living healthfully!  Don't worry about that.  But I do think it is smart to identify my emotions and understand them--that much I have learned over the last few years.  I am, at my core, a positive, upbeat and enthusiastic person.  That will not change!  But right now I am noticing that I relied on things to bring me happiness which is exactly what I tell my kids not to do!  Happiness and joy come from the inside. 

Food should never have the power to control my happiness and joy!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Noticing some changes....

I seem to have a little more energy.  Could this be the start of something new? 

I have been plagued with horrible headaches, some of the worst I've ever had.  Today has been headache free so far, which is a blessing! 

I started reading a book called 21 Days to a More Disciplined Life.  I've always wanted to be more structured and more organized but haven't been able to pull it off. 

Once I finish this 21 day cleanse, I am embarking on a life cleanse!  More to come on this later.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

I'm surviving!

Day five of the Ultimate Reset! 

Not gonna lie--the first 3 days were rough.  Rough.  But somehow I kept at it, surprising myself.  Now I am at the end of day 5.  Only 16 days left!

I haven't had any caffeine, which has been the hardest part.  Definitely an addict.  That's what was so hard those first days.

I've kept my fridge stocked with the fresh foods I'm supposed to be eating.  Definitely helps to be prepared!

I've found that I'm not really hungry--I am emotionally hungry.  I am fighting massive cravings for all the crappy food I've gotten so used to eating.  They are getting smaller though.

I've found that the food I am eating makes me feel really full.  I'm usually struggling to get the final bites of my salad in.  Eating lots of veggies really does fill you up!

And the best part?  Down 5 pounds!  Yahoo!  That's enough to keep me going!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

off to dazzle the crowd

In 3 hours I will be at General Mills doing a presentation on balancing technology in our families.  My head hurts a little but I'm going to try to stay off the caffeine.  Hopefully the natural high I get from being in a big group of people will be enough to keep my sparkle going!

I got on the scale this morning just for fun--down 3 pounds!  If I could knock out 10 pounds on this program, I would be very happy.  That would feel like a great head start for me.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The start of something....amazing?

Today I started a 21 day cleanse/detox program.  Normally I don't go for stuff like this but decided to give it a try for several reasons.  First, you don't eat fake food and shakes--you eat real food that you cook and prepare yourself.  Second, many of the reviews I read said it taught them how to shop and cook whole, clean foods.  I need help with that.  Third, I am quite certain that if I don't shake things up now, I will end up in this exact same place next year, looking at my 37th (!!!) birthday looming and wondering what happened to my good intentions.

For breakfast, I had a big bowl of oatmeal.  I was supposed to have yogurt and blueberries with it but had not hit the grocery store yet so I just stuck with the oatmeal.  Not hungry, even 4 hours later.

Have not had soda or tea.  Just drinking water.  No headache.

I am cooking a batch of chicken right now because I need some for my salad at lunch.  I plan to eat mostly the same meals each day for this first week.  Too much flexibility makes me have a hard time.

I hit the grocery store and spent $95 on food.  That kind of hurts but I'm guessing that if I really examine my credit card bill (which I don't because I am feeling stressed about money right now) I would find that I probably spend twice that each week on eating out!

Send encouraging thoughts my way please!

Friday, November 1, 2013

18 days!

My birthday is fast approaching on November 18th!  The official kickoff for the year of living healthfully. 

I've decided to try an outrageous eating plan for 21 days--I will be starting it before the official kickoff so I can be done by Thanksgiving.  :)  Nothing crazy about it, unless you could eating whole foods and nothing processed for 21 days crazy.  I kinda do!

I will talk more about it when it begins. 

No kids this weekend so I am going to spend some time making my goals more specific.  Need to make a plan.  Or as much of a plan as this adaptable girl can make.  :)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

useless perfectionism

I found out this summer that my immobility and failure to act at times is a symptom of perfectionism.  Whhhaaa?

I have always been one to hold myself back from trying new things.  Even as a kid, I didn't want to play sports because I didn't want to not be great from the get go.  I see this trait in my son--help me Rhonda.

I tended to gravitate towards activities where I wouldn't let people down if I failed--skiing, biking, camping, etc.  I hate to do something if I'm not sure I can be great.

I found out a few years ago that one of my top strengths is Maximizer.  Maximizers strive for excellence and are disappointed with anything less.  Yes, I believe that describes me!  However, instead of pushing myself to bigger and better things, I hold myself back because I don't believe I can achieve excellence.  Clearly not using this strength as well as I could.

This useless perfectionism needs to go.  I've let go of a lot of bad habits and patterns of behavior over the last few years as a result of my divorce.  Every day I am thankful that I was given a second chance to create a life that matters.  I think I am rising to the pursuit of excellence in a number of key areas--but the one glaring hole is my health. 

How do I break the cycle of inaction and finally get to where I want to be?  This blog definitely helps.  I think the next big thing to tackle is food.  I don't remember how to eat right.  Even when I was eating right back in my skinny days (before sweet Olivia got here), I was mainly eating fake food but just less food in general so I lost weight.  Now I feel this need to be healthy and not eat crap but I don't really know how to do it so I am stuck in crappy eating and self loathing.

Any suggestions?

Sunday, October 20, 2013

In the words of Gloria Gaynor, I will survive!

Three days down and I nailed the 3 day mini challenge of no pop!  I was tempted mightily but managed to resist.  Today was especially difficult--we went out to lunch with friends after church and I almost just said screw it, give me a pop!  But I didn't and now I get to enjoy the satisfaction of having stuck to my plan.

I seriously think I'm having emotional withdrawal from pop.  That is just horrifying!  So horrifying in fact, that I think I'm going to go another 3 days.  Just to see if I can.  And then maybe I'll go another 3 days.  Maybe I can 3 day myself out of a massive pop addiction--that would be awesome!  Good for my health and good for my wallet.

Friday, October 18, 2013

My love, my nemesis

Oh lover, how I miss you!  I made it through the day without my love!  It wasn't too hard, mainly because I wasn't sitting around thinking about it.  I had a slight headache despite having caffeine from another source--I think it was more of an emotional craving.  I miss the bubbles, the sweetness, the sound of a can cracking open.  Sigh.  Water is cool too, I guess.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The four areas of focus

This year, I'm focusing on getting four areas of my life under control and thriving.

Spiritual health
Emotional health
Physical health
Financial health

To say that I neglect most of these areas on a regular basis is an understatement.  I'm sure many of you can totally feel me on this.  It's tough to balance home, work, family, friends, etc.  We are usually the last person that we give our time to. 

As a coach, I find it so fun and invigorating to help my clients thrive in these four areas.  But it is SO much easier to encourage another than to encourage ourselves!

Let's break the four areas down!

Spiritual health: daily devotions!  I do one called SOLO and I journal each day--it has been super fun to look back and see what I was feeling a few months ago.  I want to fill up my notebook this year!  Also, I need to make Jesus the center of my life.  My plumb line.  The truth that I can hold onto when I start freaking out.

Emotional health: I want to love me.  I want to feel fully comfortable with who I have become.  She's a pretty rad chick.  I want to continue to build and maintain HEALTHY boundaries in my life.  I want to affirm myself for keeping those boundaries, especially when my nature is telling me I am wrong to have them.  I want to go to bed each night feeling like I nailed it--no regrets.

Physical health: This is an easy one--I need to lose weight.  But instead of putting a number on it, I will put a feeling.  I want to feel comfortable in this body, in this skin.  I don't want to constantly be adjusting my shirt so it isn't clinging to my fat belly.  (Beautiful mental picture, right?)  I want to feel pretty.  I want to feel like people see me, that I'm not just some fat mom.  But I also want to get strong.  I used to be strong--I liked how that felt.  I want that back.

Financial health: This is an area I can honestly say has NEVER been under control for me.  I have never stuck to a budget (mini challenge alert!).  My ex and I were both idiots when it came to finances.  Not a good match there.  I do okay but I have zero savings and lots of stupid sh*t clogging up my house.  Pretty easy to see the correlation there!  I would like to have a nice little stockpile of cash in case of an emergency.  I would like to contribute something to my IRA.  I would like to tithe regularly to my church.  I need to find a way to budget that works for me.  My dear mother has tried many times to help me but the reality is that I need to help me--that's the only way it will work.  Please let me know if you have any advice or insight on this one!

So there are my four areas of focus this year.  I am an adaptable person so I like to leave rooms for things to shift a bit.  However, I will stay true to these four.  Four feels manageable!

One month from tomorrow is the official kick off!  I feel so proactive.  :)

Mini challenge time!

I did some major overhauling of my pantries and fridge today.  Much food gone.  Still a lot left but I feel okay about that.  Tomorrow I am going to start pulling things together to create a meal plan.

Since a whole year of living healthfully is a long freakin' time, I've decided I need to do some mini challenges!  This will help break up a long hike up.

First challenge starts in the morning.  No soda for 3 days.  3 WHOLE DAYS.  Diet Coke is the nectar of the gods, in my opinion.  I crave it.  I don't drink coffee but I drink a ton of Diet Coke.  I've tried to stop it before.  No good.  I literally crave it and can't stop thinking about it.  Geez.  That sentence looks awful.

So tomorrow, no soda for 3 days.  At all.

Think I can make it?

I hope so.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

New poll up!

So here's the deal: I have not one, not two, but THREE pantries in this awesome kitchen.  The third one is a double wide, even.  They are all FULL.  Efforts have been made to toss expired food but there is still way too much stuff.

Most of it was bought for a purpose, although that purpose now escapes me.  I have a habit of finding a new recipe (or, more likely, ten new recipes) which I then gleefully buy all the ingredients for.  I organize them all (my pantries are very organized!) then promptly forget what I bought it all for.  Better record keeping might be a big help.

Anyway, as I marinate on the idea of this next year of living healthfully, I see my pantries (and fridge, and freezer) as being stumbling blocks for me.  I don't want to eat most of it but I somehow feel obligated to use it.  That would be fine except what REALLY ends up happening is that I go out and buy meals outside my home in order to avoid the whole situation.  And what does that do for me?  Makes me fatter and poorer!

So would it be insane to empty out the kitchen and start over?  I would obviously keep stuff that I see as viable meal ingredients.  But the rest?  Can I pitch it?  Donate it to a food shelf if it isn't expired?

I need a transformation in this area of my life.  Part of that transformation is simplifying things around here.  I want to cook for my family and I want to lose weight--for me I think that means creating a small rotation of meals that I really love and that are healthy.  Too much variety makes a super flexible lady like me crazy.  I can't get focused.

When I try to menu plan, I completely lose focus!  It's all too much.  I need to have food in the house for five core meals.  That's my thought.  What do you think?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

a wake up call

For the past two weeks, I've been working a TON.  For those of you that spend 50+ hours per week at the office, the amount of time I've spent working is nothing.  But to me, it has been a huge deal.

I am working 17 hours a week at a temp job and then have been working on a corporate coaching gig about 10 hours a week.  But at night I spend more hours working to prep for the next day.  And most of this is done without daycare, during school hours.  If it wasn't for my awesome mom, I would be dying.  Actually, there is no possible way I could do it without her help!

What I've learned:
  • Working is VERY good for my brain.  I like to be productive.  I like getting out and interacting with people.
  • Working is VERY good for my savings account!  In June my spousal support drops $400/month so I am working to build up a nice little pile of cash to make that less of a shock.
  • Working is VERY bad for my weight!  I feel like I've gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks by just eating out too much and eating crappy food in general.  I feel gross.

 On Saturday, I have a blissful day of nothingness ahead of me.  I will be doing some fun things, like getting my brows waxed and my nails done.  I will also do boring things like de-crap this house and finally do the dishes.  I am greatly looking forward to having some breathing room.

How do other single moms do it?  I am exhausted--I can't live like this long term.  At least I know there is an end in sight.  I don't think I could bear this level of activity if there was no foreseeable end in sight. 

All the more reason for me to work smarter at building my business!  Ideal work schedule? 30 per week.  That is about all this gal wants to put in.  I love making money but I like having a life too.  By owning my own business, this is a possibility!

So stay tuned!  November 18 is quickly approaching--the official kick off to the Year of Living Healthfully!

I made a Facebook group for it--let me know if you want to join me.

Monday, September 30, 2013

battles won and battle lost

The redemption vacation was a roaring success!

I enjoyed the crap out of my time away.  There is something about the canyon that just makes me feel peaceful.  Except the walking out of it part.  That just makes me feel tired.  :)

The highlight of the trip for me was the drive from the North Rim to the South Rim.  It takes about 4 hours and goes through some absolutely beautiful country. 

Two years ago, I cried the whole way around.  I felt angry, sad, scared, bitter, frantic and scattered.  That year was an absolute disaster and although I was not the one behaving inappropriately, I felt like it was all my fault.  You see, that was my role.  I was the one to carry the blame, carry the bitterness and unhappiness of another person.  It has taken me nearly two years to shed that role.

But shed it I have.  I guess it will always be a work in progress but today I feel like I am a completely different person than I was two years ago.

On my drive this year, I cranked up my "I Heart Jesus" playlist and just sang my heart out.  I did cry a little but it was tears of joy and thankfulness.  I realize that I am a bit odd in that I do not miss for one second the marriage I was in.  I feel sad that the dream of a partner and family that I had when I was younger did not come to pass but the actual player in the reality was not someone I could miss today.  Mostly I feel thankful that I was given the opportunity to change and to come back to life. 

One song I was listening to was called "I See You" by Love and the Outcome (favorite band!!!!  Check them out on iTunes).  The chorus goes like this:

I've had my share of suffering
I know the pain that life can bring
I've gone through some things
I may never understand (never understand)
But You've been good when life was not
Through battles won and battles lost
And when I look back
On everything I've been through
I see You (I see You)

It caused me to reflect on the battle I was fighting two years ago.  I was desperately trying to hold my marriage together and doing a poor job of it.  I did lose that battle.  However, I feel that Jesus won the battle he was waging for me.  I have experienced God in a way that I never had and it has been due to my divorce.  Strange that a God that hates divorce would allow so much good to come into my life because of it.  I still don't understand that.  Maybe I never will.  But when I look back on it all, I see the hand of the Lord guiding me along.  Sometimes along a path I didn't understand.  But I have tried to be faithful and because of that, I have seen the blessing that comes from it.

I feel like this fits into the year of living healthfully.  Getting emotionally healthy has been very important to me.  I did not become overweight simply from food.  It has been an evil combination of food, stress, poor self esteem and a whole bunch of other stuff that feeds on each other.  My emotional health will play a big role in getting my physical health back.  Sometimes I don't think people realize how down on myself that I am since I am usually smiling and laughing.  But this issue weighs heavily on me and sometimes makes me feel panicked.

Shedding my role as the keeper of the blame and the fixer of another person's problems has got to weigh something, right?  ;)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

the redemption vacation

In a few days I embark upon my sixth Grand Canyon walkabout!  I cannot wait to get out there and soak it all in.

In 2011, as my marriage was ending, my ex convinced me that we should still go on this trip together.  He sold it as a "rekindling" type of trip.  Stupidly, I totally fell for it.  It ended up being the worst trip of my life!  I don't have a single picture from that year because I care to remember none of it (except my good friend and her husband that joined us--how awkward for them!).  He ignored me the whole time and talked on the phone to his "friend".  I cried constantly and felt so angry and frustrated. 

This is the year that I drive a car from the North Rim to the South Rim--about four hours.  It is an absolutely gorgeous drive and it makes me so happy to watch the landscape roll by.  Last time I cried for that whole four hours.  It was pure misery.

This year will be different!  I am different.  I have some awesome playlists ready to go on my ipod and I plan to bring some cash so I can shop at the little Native American jewelry stands that are all along the road.  I am going to enjoy this drive and reflect on an amazing two years of transformation.  I shall redeem the trip from hell and replace with a trip of beauty, growth and awesomeness!

Then I'm hiking down the Bright Angel Trail about 3 miles to wait for my dad.  I'll bring my kindle but it is far more likely that I will spend the waiting time talking to other hikers!  It is my favorite thing to do--provide encouragement to hikers coming up and meeting people from all over the world.

Once I meet up with Jimbo, we'll head back up.  I will be fresh and spry while the rest of them slog it out.  :)  Then we all meet for dinner (it ends up being a loosely knit group of 40 people!) and tell stories of our days.

I just can't wait.  :) 

On a separate note, this will be the first time I've traveled alone since 1996.  Crazy!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

head space for sale

I got a bike ride in today and took care of some annoying tasks that have been hanging over my head.  I had pizza twice but still managed to stay within my calories for the day.  I am hungry now and would kill for a glass of wine but water with a lime will have to do!

I've had several people ask me what my plan is.  My answer is that I have no clue.  But I am okay with that.  I have boldly embarked on millions of plans, only to fail completely by the 2 week marker.

This time is different.  This time I am focusing on my motivator rather than my plan.  The best plan is worthless without a motivator. 

It's relatively easy to find a motivator--I want to weigh X number of pounds, I want to fit into a certain size of clothing, I want to be attractive to the opposite sex, etc, etc.  I thought a noble one was that I wanted to get "healthy" for my kids.  What that really means is that I don't want to be a fat mom that gets them teased.

But this time I have the best, most amazeballs reason ever.  Ready for it?

I need to free up the real estate in my head.

This has never crossed my mind before.  But as I have pondered this year of living healthfully, I have realized that I spend an ENORMOUS amount of time thinking about my weight, my size and my failures to lose weight.  I also spend a lot of time dreaming up ways to cheat it, how to dress myself nicer so I look slimmer, how to exercise (but never doing much), how to eat (but choosing to overeat instead).  Fricking waste of time.

I need this real estate.  I have lost brain cells due to motherhood and I really can't afford to lose any more.  I need this space in my head. 

I need space to heal and grow as a single woman and single mom.  I need space to store up energy and motivation to parent when I am completely spent.  I need space to brainstorm ideas for my business, space to be creative. 

I am evicting my weight from my head.  I will no longer spend time and energy thinking about it.  As I've moved through my healing process from the divorce, I learned to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to God.  When I feel myself slipping into a place of unforgiveness, I have phrases that I say to myself and to God to get back on track.

I believe this strategy will work here. 

This issue is no longer up for debate.  This issue has been evicted.  Focus on living healthfully.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

the horror of online dating

Full disclosure....I have a profile on OkCupid.  I have it for two reasons: first, it is absolutely free and second, it is used purely for entertainment at this point.

There are your typical douche guys who clearly spend their lives in the gym and want their date to do the same.  Not for me.

But yesterday I ran across a new one--a fat dude that wants a skinny chick!  He admitted he was fat but said he only wants to date a fit and toned woman. 

Help me Rhonda.  Even the fatties don't want to date someone my size. 

be fierce

now what?

I seemed to have sparked something with my little Facebook post.  Apparently there are quite a few people out there just like me--completely fed up but somehow not making any progress.

I'm a pretty open person--I don't really care if people think I am cool or not.  I want people to like me, sure, because I have Woo in my Top 5 and enjoy making connections.  But I have no problem putting my grossness out there.  Not entirely sure why.  When I was younger a move like this would have mortified me.  Perhaps this is a result of being closer than ever to 40?

If you have decided to walk alongside me for this year of living healthfully, welcome!  So glad you made it.  I am not going to pretend I have a grand plan or any answers at all.  All I know is that I have tried and failed a hundred times and I don't want to do it any more.

I don't see this year as the year of a diet.  I really don't.  Obviously eating will be a big part of weight loss.  But I have learned that I don't do well with "you can't have this" diets.  Does anyone?  I need flexibility and I need something that is sustainable in the long run.  I don't want to live in constant fear that if I stop eating according to a diet plan that I will plump up again.

Today I started my morning off with a multivitamin.  Small step to be sure, but one that I needed to take.  I neglect my body quite often.  Taking care of two kids as a single mom tends to be quite a bit of work at times (which I wouldn't trade for anything!).  When I do have downtime I am usually comatose on the couch.  I don't take very good care of me.  It's almost like when I have time to do something healthy for myself, I fear taking action as though expending too much energy on life will be the thing that sends this whole thing into chaos.  I think this is a remnant of living in a constant state of stress when I was married.  I am actually a hard worker with a huge capacity to get stuff done.  But for a long time I was in survival mode and there really wasn't much energy left at the end of the day.  I get to change that now.

So today I swallowed a pill that will help fill in the gaps in my nutrition.  And now I am going to have a cup of tea!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

another year....

Yet another year has passed and my weight is the one thing that hasn't changed.  It is also the one thing I think about most often, the one that takes up the most space in my life and in my head.

This sh*t has to stop.

Last year, I proclaimed that my 35th year would be the best year ever, the year I got this issue straightened out!  What really happened this year?  I gained 10 pounds.  WTF.

A few months ago I went to a coaching workshop on Transformation.  I want a Transformation (yes, with a capital T!).  I took great notes and will look through them shortly on how to proceed from here.

Bottom line--I need these extra 60 pounds gone.  Gone.  For good.  I want to feel pretty, strong healthy.  I could name a hundred really great reasons to lose weight but only one is the game changer--I need to free up space in my head.  I need to shed pounds that are keeping me from grabbing life by the balls!  I want to be the best single mom to my kids, I want to be a hot lady who gets dates with the right kind of guys and I want to grow a successful coaching business.  I can do it, I know I can. 

So why haven't I?  Because I am lazy.  Because I am scared.  Because if I fail again, I'll never get back up. 

Enough.  This sh*t has to stop.

The year will officially begin on November 18, my 36th birthday. 

This blog will chronicle my progress.  My struggles.  My ultimate success.  I have no doubt that if I try, I can drop 60 pounds before I turn 37.  37!  Good Lord.  How did I get this old?