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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Disturbing realization

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts since I started this cleanse.  Sure, I have felt tired and had low energy and been emotionally hungry.  But today I noticed that I seem a little down, more so than I would expect.

Something that JT (my brother-in-law) said to me the other day resonated today.  He learned in AA that if you take away the thing that makes you happy (for him, alcohol, for me, food) and don't figure out how to get happy without it, you will be a miserable human being.

I do not want to be a miserable human being.  But I am realizing that food, soda and alcohol have brought me much happiness and comfort over the past eight years.  It kept me company when my husband ignored me; it made me happy when my children made me crazy.  It is embarassing to say those things.  But it has been my companion for many years--my unhealthy, abusive companion but my companion nonetheless.

I miss the fleeting joy I would get from drinking a diet coke.  I miss the happiness I would feel when eating something that I knew was bad for me but just didn't care.

I am not giving up on this year of living healthfully!  Don't worry about that.  But I do think it is smart to identify my emotions and understand them--that much I have learned over the last few years.  I am, at my core, a positive, upbeat and enthusiastic person.  That will not change!  But right now I am noticing that I relied on things to bring me happiness which is exactly what I tell my kids not to do!  Happiness and joy come from the inside. 

Food should never have the power to control my happiness and joy!

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