As I've been mulling over what it means to be healthy, I realized that for me, in this season of my life, being single is being healthy.
I've spent my whole life trying to be something that someone wanted. I thought that "love" and attention would somehow validate me, make me realize that I am worth it. It hasn't worked.
Since my divorce, I have had a love/hate relationship with my singleness. When I was first divorced, I was on a near frantic quest to find someone. I didn't really want all the relationship stuff--I just wanted to feel wanted. As if knowing that someone wanted to be with me would be enough to make me believe I was enough. Didn't work.
A recent strange little attempt at a relationship ended. Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved. I don't really want to deal with a relationship at this point. I was pissed though, that this little failure made me feel lonely again. I had done a good job for many months, letting the loneliness come and go without killing me. It had just become a thing in my life, instead of crushing thing that I obsessed over. This person had me believing it could be something special and in the end, it was the same old crap. So I was pissed at myself for falling for it.
So where does that leave me? Alone. Single. I am okay with that. In fact, I think I NEED this. So I am committing to no dating for at least one year. I don't need it. It stresses me out and puts my head in a place that I don't like.
No online dating. No seeking guys out. If Mr. Wonderful happens to wander into my life organically, I will build a friendship with him and nothing more until my year is up.
This isn't a fear based decision. It is a FREEDOM based decision! And coming from a recovering codependent, that is powerful.
I am too awesome to waste myself on people that don't appreciate it. :)
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