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Monday, November 25, 2013

Why I am not dating for the next year

As I've been mulling over what it means to be healthy, I realized that for me, in this season of my life, being single is being healthy.

I've spent my whole life trying to be something that someone wanted.  I thought that "love" and attention would somehow validate me, make me realize that I am worth it.  It hasn't worked.

Since my divorce, I have had a love/hate relationship with my singleness.  When I was first divorced, I was on a near frantic quest to find someone.  I didn't really want all the relationship stuff--I just wanted to feel wanted.  As if knowing that someone wanted to be with me would be enough to make me believe I was enough.  Didn't work.

A recent strange little attempt at a relationship ended.  Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved.  I don't really want to deal with a relationship at this point.  I was pissed though, that this little failure made me feel lonely again.  I had done a good job for many months, letting the loneliness come and go without killing me.  It had just become a thing in my life, instead of crushing thing that I obsessed over.  This person had me believing it could be something special and in the end, it was the same old crap.  So I was pissed at myself for falling for it.

So where does that leave me?  Alone.  Single.  I am okay with that.  In fact, I think I NEED this.  So I am committing to no dating for at least one year.  I don't need it.  It stresses me out and puts my head in a place that I don't like.

No online dating.  No seeking guys out.  If Mr. Wonderful happens to wander into my life organically, I will build a friendship with him and nothing more until my year is up.  

This isn't a fear based decision.  It is a FREEDOM based decision!  And coming from a recovering codependent, that is powerful.  

I am too awesome to waste myself on people that don't appreciate it.  :)

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