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Monday, September 30, 2013

battles won and battle lost

The redemption vacation was a roaring success!

I enjoyed the crap out of my time away.  There is something about the canyon that just makes me feel peaceful.  Except the walking out of it part.  That just makes me feel tired.  :)

The highlight of the trip for me was the drive from the North Rim to the South Rim.  It takes about 4 hours and goes through some absolutely beautiful country. 

Two years ago, I cried the whole way around.  I felt angry, sad, scared, bitter, frantic and scattered.  That year was an absolute disaster and although I was not the one behaving inappropriately, I felt like it was all my fault.  You see, that was my role.  I was the one to carry the blame, carry the bitterness and unhappiness of another person.  It has taken me nearly two years to shed that role.

But shed it I have.  I guess it will always be a work in progress but today I feel like I am a completely different person than I was two years ago.

On my drive this year, I cranked up my "I Heart Jesus" playlist and just sang my heart out.  I did cry a little but it was tears of joy and thankfulness.  I realize that I am a bit odd in that I do not miss for one second the marriage I was in.  I feel sad that the dream of a partner and family that I had when I was younger did not come to pass but the actual player in the reality was not someone I could miss today.  Mostly I feel thankful that I was given the opportunity to change and to come back to life. 

One song I was listening to was called "I See You" by Love and the Outcome (favorite band!!!!  Check them out on iTunes).  The chorus goes like this:

I've had my share of suffering
I know the pain that life can bring
I've gone through some things
I may never understand (never understand)
But You've been good when life was not
Through battles won and battles lost
And when I look back
On everything I've been through
I see You (I see You)

It caused me to reflect on the battle I was fighting two years ago.  I was desperately trying to hold my marriage together and doing a poor job of it.  I did lose that battle.  However, I feel that Jesus won the battle he was waging for me.  I have experienced God in a way that I never had and it has been due to my divorce.  Strange that a God that hates divorce would allow so much good to come into my life because of it.  I still don't understand that.  Maybe I never will.  But when I look back on it all, I see the hand of the Lord guiding me along.  Sometimes along a path I didn't understand.  But I have tried to be faithful and because of that, I have seen the blessing that comes from it.

I feel like this fits into the year of living healthfully.  Getting emotionally healthy has been very important to me.  I did not become overweight simply from food.  It has been an evil combination of food, stress, poor self esteem and a whole bunch of other stuff that feeds on each other.  My emotional health will play a big role in getting my physical health back.  Sometimes I don't think people realize how down on myself that I am since I am usually smiling and laughing.  But this issue weighs heavily on me and sometimes makes me feel panicked.

Shedding my role as the keeper of the blame and the fixer of another person's problems has got to weigh something, right?  ;)

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