it just keeps getting better (heavy sarcasm)

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The past 48 hours have bitch slapped me hard.

First the ex informs me that due to an error in his payments to me, I now owe him a ton of money that I do not have. I am barely surviving on what he pays me; I definitely don't have extra cash lying around. Supporting myself and two kids on less that half of what it used to be isn't working. However, due to our divorce settlement, if I go to work and need to put the kids in daycare I need to pay for it all myself. Kind of negates the money I would make working.

And now summer is upon us. Which means kids 24/7. Which means when I do work, I need to scramble to find childcare.

Then I found out that a big contract I was about to sign is up in the air. It was going to alleviate some of the financial pressure.

Then to top it all today, Ethan started throwing up.

Feeling pretty down. I know this is just a moment in time--it doesn't mean things are really this bad. But man, it feels like crap.

I created a Pinterest board to wallow in for a while. Join me if you too are having a bad day or three.

two years

Two years ago today I signed my divorce papers.

When I sat down to write this, I was sure it had been three years. Kept looking at the dates and realized that sure enough, it's only been two years!

Many of you have been with me since the beginning of this journey.  You've stuck with me through great times and awful times.  Your love and support has carried me though.  I would like to take this opportunity to share with you all I have accomplished (with your help!) and the valuable lessons I have learned in the past two years.

In the past two years, I've:
-learned that taking the trash out is NO BIG DEAL. Seriously.
-learned how to operate the beast of a snow blower my ex bought right before he left. It is heavy and hard to use but dang, it clears snow amazingly well!
-learned how to mow my lawn. Although thankfully Jimbo has become my lawn man and does it for me most all of the time. :) (Love you Dad!)
-handled a basement flood, not once but twice and repaired the damage without spending a penny (many thanks to the handy people that came to help me out!  A special thanks to my brother who watched YouTube videos to learn how to stretch carpet!) 

-learned that using my network is the key to surviving single motherhood and home ownership! 

-helped my friend start a cooking business in which she is able to use my awesome kitchen and I get free cooking lessons while she leads classes.
-refinanced my house so now I can say it is MY HOUSE!!!
-paid off my minivan.
-completed my coaching program (with an A average!).
-launched Rachel Olson Coaching!
-made boatloads of new friends.
-gone on many dates, some good. Many not good.
-stayed single--by choice.
-learned how to parent--finally.

-learned how to set boundaries and priorities that work for me and my kids. 
-fallen in love with my kids.
-been to the Grand Canyon twice and camped with my dad
-taken my kids to Disney twice. Each time just gets better!
-done lots of little things around my house to make it feel comfortable to me.  Like painting my front door a zingy shade of yellow! 
-gotten rid of at least half my clothing.
-gotten to a good place with my ex where we can cooperate in the business of raising our kids.
-learned how to cover my gray hair on my own for $2 thus only having to get it done at the salon twice a year.
-worked (am am still working) with a financial planner to set and stick to a budget

Valuable lessons I've learned:
-Infidelity is awful. Divorce first, date later. Seriously. That has been BY FAR the hardest part for me to heal from. When my kids talk about her, it's like a tiny knife stabbing me in the heart. However, the knife is getting smaller and smaller. Eventually I know it will stop hurting.

-I am surviving and thriving. Never believed it would happen. 
-No amount of determination can speed up the healing process.
-Distractions (dating, drinking, eating, dancing, sleeping, etc.) might make it FEEL like you've healed but the pain will always be there until you deal with it.
-Nothing helps healing like a really great therapist!
-My kids were not ruined. It was dark for a while but we have emerged better and stronger.
-I love to reflect on my self growth and development. Probably why I was a psych major. Definitely why I love being a coach!
-I have a sparkle that people are attracted to. It's magnetic.  I'm coming back to life.
-I LOVE to have people in my house! Parties make my world go round. 
-I actually do have a head for business. I've surprised even myself. 
-I LOVE working for myself. I'm the best boss ever. EVER. :)
-The busier I am, the more productive I am.
-Single parenting works well for me.
-I love the team mentality I have with my kids right now. I'm still in charge but they want to do their best for the family. I love that.

What's yet to come?

-a road trip with my kids. Plan is for Fall 2015, Washington DC. Would also love to take a trip out west with them. Since I don't have a spouse to join me, Jimbo is coming! He and I are similar in our love of road trips so it works out well. Plus he is a pro camper and takes care of those details.
-lots of fun stuff planned for the summer. Trying to juggle growing a business and growing kids is tricky but so far it's working!

-a business that is going gangbusters. I have SO MANY ideas.  And they are so good. I need to put them into action.

-my first ski trip since 2005 to Whitefish, Montana

-I hope to have a solid relationship again, possibly even a marriage (waaay in the future.  I still have a lot of learning and growing to do). Although I am currently ambivalent about it, I know that deep down I want to find love and commitment.

I really can't believe it has only been two years. It astonishes me. I never believed things would turn around so quickly. When you are in the midst of a life upheaval, it feels like it will never end. I am so happy to be where I am today. Do I wish it could've come with less pain? Of course. But what is important is that I'm here. I've been blessed with smart people around me that encouraged me to make smart choices when I was at my worst. I have a giant circle of friends and family that are there at a moment's notice. I have a promise written down thousands of years ago in the Bible that assures me there is a plan for my life and for my kids. 

It's good stuff. 

Why I changed my mind

Back in November,  I decreed that I would not date for at least a year.

Yeah,  about that.....

I've had it.  I am rescinding my decree.  I no longer need the black and whiteness of that decision.

It's spring (sort of)  and warmer weather makes me want to get out in the world,  go on dates,  have adventures. Plus,  it's fun to go to nice restaurants and not have to pay for it. :-)

My decision not to date was a freedom based decision.  But it was also a reaction to an emotional hurt and being alone was preferable to being hurt. 

I've grown a lot in six months.  Much more than I realized,  actually.  I've gotten so strong in who I am and what I am worth.  At times a little too strong,  perhaps.  But I'm in a much different place today than six months ago.

So I'm going to put myself out there.  I went to a singles party with church last Saturday.  I'm on an online dating site (although I am passively on-I don't make first contact anymore).  I have a date on Saturday night with a guy who makes me laugh so hard that I am still laughing about something he said yesterday.  Will he be a fit? Probably not but at least I will make a new friend and have fun doing it.

My expectations for dating could not be lower-that is actually a good thing. I am approaching it as entertainment and not much more these days.

I am a different Rachel than the one who swore off dating.  Hopefully this doesn't make you disappointed in me.  Instead I hope you feel excited that I've gotten to a place where I can date and not get too wrapped up in it.

today i felt the fear

I had a very important meeting today. I was nervous. I doubted myself.

Then I put on my big girl pants, took a deep breath and knocked it out of the park.

It was a great meeting. The outcome isn't certain but once it is, I will be celebrating the crap out of it.

I feel amazing.

you reap what you sow.

I don't think I've ever gone on a pop culture rant on my blog before, but I'm ripe for one today!

I got my US Weekly in the mail today. Don't judge. The ex got the subscription for me for a very low price; I will not be renewing it.

Here's the cover:

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Tori Spelling and her husband Dean are struggling through a cheating scandal. Boo hoo, right?

This article is about how strong Tori is and how she is so compassionate and understanding yet so shattered by his cheating. 

Then a little sidebar: She and Dean were both married to OTHER PEOPLE when they had their own affair.

At the time, there was no remorse from Tori. She and Dean were meant to be together, they were "soul mates" (gag) and even though they had an affair, it was all good because they just loved each other so much.

Right.

Flash forward seven years and now Tori is the one dealing with a shattered life. In the article, she makes no parallels between her having a hand in breaking up Dean's previous family (he had a child then). It's all about how Dean did this to her and how will she ever put her life back together and how will she ever trust him again...

I fail to have any compassion for any of these idiots. You reap what you sow.  I just feel sorry for their kids.

I would have a slight bit of compassion if either of them took responsibility for their poor choices in their affair. But in my experience, people who have affairs only want to justify why they did it.

Don't cheat. It hurts people and will follow you forever.

Bottom line: I know it is ridiculous to get fired up over Donna Martin. But I have seen so much pain caused due to infidelity. Many of my friends that I've made post divorce have had this in their life. I also have several dear friends whom I love that have been the cheaters. The difference between them and Tori, however, is that they take responsibility for their behavior, they have repented and they have dealt with the consequences of their behavior. End your relationship before starting a new one. It allows for respect and dignity.

beautiful things

In the winter of 2012, my life was chaos. My marriage had ended, I was struggling very badly and my kids were as well. It was the most awful period of my life, ever.  

Every Monday, my kids and I would go to DivorceCare. On each drive, we would listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor over and over. During the darkest part of our lives, that song gave us hope that things might get better.

One night Ethan drew this for me:

Isn't he just the best? "Don't listen to the dust Mom. I am sorry that you are sad. I love you. God makes beautiful things out of the dust." This proves that kids do listen to song lyrics!

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

So flash forward to today. On my way to a meeting, I was listening to Beautiful Things again. Each time I hear it, it brings back memories of that difficult time. However, today I noticed that although those memories will never be erased, they have been handled. Here's the next verse:

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

God is faithful. Always. God has made us new. God has taken the ugliest of things and created something beautiful from it. Hope is springing up. Obedience sprang out of chaos. I am just so thankful to love a sovereign God that has a plan for me and my kids. Our story continues. 

Two years ago, I never imagined the tears and ache would stop. I thought my kids would be ruined. None of my fears came true. God has made us new. Believe that.

Here is the cover art for that song--look very closely!

gratitude

My dear friend Rachel made me a calendar that has a monthly theme.

The theme for March was Gratitude.

I have so much to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget to stop pushing and just sit back and be grateful.

I hosted a big dinner party here last Saturday night. I worked hard to get the house spit spot, Courtney worked hard to create an amazing meal and together we created a glorious evening. I am so grateful I have a home. I'm so grateful I have THIS home. (So are my kids--I told them we were moving this morning as an April Fool's joke--they panicked and freaked out! Not funny, I was told.)

I'm grateful that I have an ex that pays me support faithfully--his leaving me enabled me to create my business and follow my dream.

I'm grateful my kids are happy and healthy. It was a tough road to get them here but they have arrived.

I'm grateful for high speed internet. And my phone.

I'm grateful for my amazing family, who I realize is even more amazing than I thought almost every single day. They are people I actually WANT to hang out with. Not sure many can say the same for their families. I realize it is unusual.

I'm grateful for clients that drop into my lap and for opportunities that pop up out of nowhere.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to write without worry of censorship.

I'm grateful to be 36, single and the mom of two kids. It isn't where I imagined I would be but now I can't imagine being anywhere else.