You attract what you put out there, part two

Last fall, I wrote a post about attracting the wrong types of guys. You can read it here.

As you know, I have quit dating. This is a good thing.

That doesn't mean that I don't find myself having moments of loneliness. During one such moment earlier this week, I started thinking about all that I have and how I tend to focus on the one thing I lack.

Yes, I am single. I am not in a romantic relationship with a man. But that doesn't mean I am alone!

I have attracted the most awesome group of friends over the past few years. I am only alone when I choose to be. And because most are all raging extroverts like me, I am very rarely alone!

If it is true that we attract what we put out there, I'm liking what I'm putting out there when it comes to friends. I can honestly say this is one area of life where I am nailing it.

I feel like I have authentic, vulnerable, honest, REAL friendships with these people. They are there for me when life is fun and easy and they are there when things stink. They are willing to go along with my last minute schemes and happy to hang out and be still.

I may not have a man in my life, but I have a network of friends that almost make that deisre disappear. Almost. :)

Why I changed my mind

Back in November,  I decreed that I would not date for at least a year.

Yeah,  about that.....

I've had it.  I am rescinding my decree.  I no longer need the black and whiteness of that decision.

It's spring (sort of)  and warmer weather makes me want to get out in the world,  go on dates,  have adventures. Plus,  it's fun to go to nice restaurants and not have to pay for it. :-)

My decision not to date was a freedom based decision.  But it was also a reaction to an emotional hurt and being alone was preferable to being hurt. 

I've grown a lot in six months.  Much more than I realized,  actually.  I've gotten so strong in who I am and what I am worth.  At times a little too strong,  perhaps.  But I'm in a much different place today than six months ago.

So I'm going to put myself out there.  I went to a singles party with church last Saturday.  I'm on an online dating site (although I am passively on-I don't make first contact anymore).  I have a date on Saturday night with a guy who makes me laugh so hard that I am still laughing about something he said yesterday.  Will he be a fit? Probably not but at least I will make a new friend and have fun doing it.

My expectations for dating could not be lower-that is actually a good thing. I am approaching it as entertainment and not much more these days.

I am a different Rachel than the one who swore off dating.  Hopefully this doesn't make you disappointed in me.  Instead I hope you feel excited that I've gotten to a place where I can date and not get too wrapped up in it.

musing on love, romance and singleness....

It's February 15!  I made it!  :)


I made it through Valentine's Day without getting down on my single status, without consuming a single piece of chocolate, and by only drinking one glass of wine whilst watching the Olympics last night!

When I was married, Valentine's Day would come and go without a word so this year was no different than most.  Like most relationships, ours started out very romantic with my ex always doing big romantic things that put other guys to shame.  And like most relationships, it all ended the day we got married.  :)

I thought I was being cool and low maintenance by not expecting anything on my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's, Mother's Day....Also, I hate giving gifts so I didn't want to have to reciprocate!

But what I now realize is that these stupid days like Valentine's Day do serve a purpose!  You take the time to make a special effort to make your love feel special.  It might feel forced and you might not feel particularly in love at that moment but the point is to remind each other of WHY you are together and WHY you stay together. When things get hard, you need this reminder!

So although I don't want a diamond if I ever getting married again, I will ask that my future partner buys me cards and acknowledges special days and treats me like a treasure that he is blessed to have found.  I commit to doing the same for him!

One thing I have learned during the last two years is that I was far too accommodating in my marriage, and in basically all romantic relationships I have ever had.  I expected nothing (didn't want to inconvenience anyone) and in doing so, I ensured that I got nothing!

Alas, I have not yet figured out how to be the strong me that is emerging and be in a relationship at the same time.  I know that if I really wanted to be in a couple, I could be.  There was the guy last summer that told me after one date that he was falling in love with me.  I could've decided that was good enough for me (instead of freaking out and telling him he was crazy--he really was, no regrets there).  Or the guy this fall that seemed to like me but really only liked a well-behaved, sanitized version of me.  I tried for a while but just couldn't be okay with acting like such a normal person.

No, singleness is the best place for me right now.  I still have so much growing to do and so much work left to do on me.  I would rather be alone than be in a lonely relationship!

an update on my single life

via

It's been almost three months since I decided to stop dating.  I have to say, it has been a simple thing which has surprised me a bit.

It was a little lonely and strange at the beginning.  But now I hardly think about it!  Funny that something that consumed my mind for all that time can be easily shoved out. 

Some people have been supportive of my choice; others have questioned me.  Most of my guy friends think I am completely nuts--that's fair.  :)  A few friends have questioned whether I'm putting God in a box, as far as what I believe He can do in my life.

I can see where that would come from but for me (and only me), this choice was actually a way for me to put trust in God.  I had been trying to manipulate life and make things happen according to my will and timeline.  I kinda just told God to step back and let me handle this.  My track record for love isn't so great so perhaps not a wise choice!

For me, this choice has been an excellent exercise in trusting God's timing.  I have given over complete control to God in this area, which has been the hardest area for me to give up control in.  And I've learned quite a bit about myself in the process.

At this point in life, I feel like being single is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I have trust issues to deal with from my marriage and those don't just go away because you meet a nice guy.  Best to work on those now.  My kids beg me not to get married again--clearly, they are not ready for me to date.  And frankly, I am greatly enjoying my freedom and independence and really do not feel much of a void in my life at this point. 

Do I want to be alone forever?  Of course not!  Who truly desires that?  My guess is very few people.  But I would rather be alone than be unhappy.  Of that I am completely sure.

So for now I am challenging myself to sit back and trust that God has a plan and that it will be way more awesome than anything I could engineer.  It might not involve a man or marriage but that doesn't mean it is wrong.  I would not have been able to say that three months ago!

Top 10 lessons from my divorce

1.       People and places may not fit as well as they used to.  I did lose some friends.  I give them the benefit of the doubt and figure they don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything.  That is okay.  It’s sad but okay.  Sometimes I struggle to find my place, my best fit.  I look at it as an adventure most of the time.

2.       Focus on the stars, not the mud.  It is SO easy to only focus on the mud that surrounds the break up of a marriage and of a family.  There is a ton of mud.  But eventually you need to look up.  You need to see those stars twinkling, however faintly.  They get brighter.  Quit playing in the mud.

3.       The only path to healing is straight through!  Oh, how I have tried to ignore this truth.  I have tried dating, drinking, eating, cleaning, organizing….Nothing works.  The pain will still be there.  The only thing to do is resign yourself to the healing process and jump in with both feet.  Eventually the process will carry you to a better place if you stop fighting against it!

4.       Dating can be a painkiller.  When I am seeing someone, the sun shines a little brighter, the world sparkles just a bit more.  My pain is dulled and I no longer feel it.  It is wonderful!  And a total façade.  The pain is still there.  That is why I’m taking the year off dating.  Just say no to drugs!

5.       Divorce will not ruin my kids.  I was so fearful for at least the first year that my kids were going to be ruined.  They are not.  They struggled, to be sure.  There were some very dark times.  But ultimately, they are God’s property and He will not allow them to be ruined.

6.       Forgiveness is a choice but also a necessity.  There is very little desire to forgive, as far as feelings go.  However, I will continue to work on forgiving simply out of obedience to the Lord.  I will probably never FEEL like doing it but that is okay and totally normal.

7.       Sometimes you just need to be alone.  When I was first divorced, I frantically tried to fill up my kid free time.  I just couldn’t stand to be alone!  However, now that I have grown and gotten comfortable in this new life, I actually look forward to my time alone!  I am too social to spend the entirety of a weekend alone but I do relish the times where I have the house to myself—especially if it is clean!  J

8.       Boundaries have saved my bacon.  If you haven’t read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, go do it now.  Seriously.  The idea of boundaries finally clicked for me last summer.  I realized that I did not feel capable or competent to run my life and it seriously undermined my confidence.  Once I realized that I could set a boundary around myself and my kids, life got much easier.  I am enjoying my independence and my confidence in my ability to run my life is growing!

9.       I fell in love with my kids.  This sounds strange, I know.  When I was married, life was tense and hard.  I was so disconnected from myself that I didn’t even know how bad things really were.  Parenting was a burden and I resented doing it alone even when I had a partner there.  I loved my kids but I didn’t love being a mom.  Not so anymore!  Once I got my boundaries figured out, I realized how much I love my kids and how thankful I am to be their mom!  They are super awesome.  They are getting a much better mom now than they had before, because now I am into parenting and I am into them.  Once I set my top 3 priorities for my family (love them, provide a safe place, encourage them to share their feelings), life got so much easier.  I could ignore all the voices and the “should’s” and just focus on what I can do best for them.

10.   I crave genuine relationships.  When I was married, I didn’t want to get too deep with people.  I knew that if I gave voice to the issues, the whole thing would fall apart.  So I kept my relationships surface deep.  Now that I am living a more real, honest life, I crave relationships that go deep.  My single parents group at Grace is full of people that I have deep relationships with.  I love spending time with them because they get me, they get where I’m at (because they are too!) and they encourage and support me when I need it.  I never would’ve met these wonderful people if I was still married and then I would be missing out on some amazing friendships.

you attract what you put out there

If it is true that you attract what you put out there, I need to seriously look at what I am putting out there!

Since I have been single, I have been on many dates.  Only a handful of them interested me enough for second dates.  None of them turned into a viable relationship.

One theme I have noticed is that I tend to attract emotionally unavailable men.  They seem normal enough but eventually the unavailability becomes clear and they disappear.

I learned while doing my coaching certification is that my top values are humor, playfulness, connection, emotional intimacy and positivity.  I need to be able to honor those values in my daily life, as a mom, with my family of origin as well as in a romantic relationship.

I'm doing pretty good at honoring them now in my life.  I wasn't when I was married, that became clear quite easily once I realized what my values actually were (sad that I didn't know until I was 35!).

I have not been able to honor these in a romantic relationship yet.  No one has been the right person.  I tend to attract very serious, emotionally unavailable men who have a hard time having fun.  They are attracted to me because I am fun and I have a great sense of humor.  I need to stop attracting these types of men! I tell ya, it's like bees to honey.  Yuck.

I am excited at the possibilities this year of determined singleness will bring!  I finally have given myself permission to give up for a year.  It is such a HUGE relief that I really can't express it in words.

My hope is that as I continue to figure out myself and my needs as a 36 year old single mom, I will begin to attract the right kind of man.  A man who loves the Lord.  A man who is wickedly funny and cracks me up.  A man who is up for adventure.  A man who likes to camp and take road trips.  A man that sees my kiddos as blessings.  A man who wants to spend time with me like it is going out of style.  A man who desires an emotional connection.  He's out there.  I just need to work on myself before I can find him.

Why I am not dating for the next year

As I've been mulling over what it means to be healthy, I realized that for me, in this season of my life, being single is being healthy.

I've spent my whole life trying to be something that someone wanted.  I thought that "love" and attention would somehow validate me, make me realize that I am worth it.  It hasn't worked.

Since my divorce, I have had a love/hate relationship with my singleness.  When I was first divorced, I was on a near frantic quest to find someone.  I didn't really want all the relationship stuff--I just wanted to feel wanted.  As if knowing that someone wanted to be with me would be enough to make me believe I was enough.  Didn't work.

A recent strange little attempt at a relationship ended.  Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved.  I don't really want to deal with a relationship at this point.  I was pissed though, that this little failure made me feel lonely again.  I had done a good job for many months, letting the loneliness come and go without killing me.  It had just become a thing in my life, instead of crushing thing that I obsessed over.  This person had me believing it could be something special and in the end, it was the same old crap.  So I was pissed at myself for falling for it.

So where does that leave me?  Alone.  Single.  I am okay with that.  In fact, I think I NEED this.  So I am committing to no dating for at least one year.  I don't need it.  It stresses me out and puts my head in a place that I don't like.

No online dating.  No seeking guys out.  If Mr. Wonderful happens to wander into my life organically, I will build a friendship with him and nothing more until my year is up.  

This isn't a fear based decision.  It is a FREEDOM based decision!  And coming from a recovering codependent, that is powerful.  

I am too awesome to waste myself on people that don't appreciate it.  :)