two years

Two years ago today I signed my divorce papers.

When I sat down to write this, I was sure it had been three years. Kept looking at the dates and realized that sure enough, it's only been two years!

Many of you have been with me since the beginning of this journey.  You've stuck with me through great times and awful times.  Your love and support has carried me though.  I would like to take this opportunity to share with you all I have accomplished (with your help!) and the valuable lessons I have learned in the past two years.

In the past two years, I've:
-learned that taking the trash out is NO BIG DEAL. Seriously.
-learned how to operate the beast of a snow blower my ex bought right before he left. It is heavy and hard to use but dang, it clears snow amazingly well!
-learned how to mow my lawn. Although thankfully Jimbo has become my lawn man and does it for me most all of the time. :) (Love you Dad!)
-handled a basement flood, not once but twice and repaired the damage without spending a penny (many thanks to the handy people that came to help me out!  A special thanks to my brother who watched YouTube videos to learn how to stretch carpet!) 

-learned that using my network is the key to surviving single motherhood and home ownership! 

-helped my friend start a cooking business in which she is able to use my awesome kitchen and I get free cooking lessons while she leads classes.
-refinanced my house so now I can say it is MY HOUSE!!!
-paid off my minivan.
-completed my coaching program (with an A average!).
-launched Rachel Olson Coaching!
-made boatloads of new friends.
-gone on many dates, some good. Many not good.
-stayed single--by choice.
-learned how to parent--finally.

-learned how to set boundaries and priorities that work for me and my kids. 
-fallen in love with my kids.
-been to the Grand Canyon twice and camped with my dad
-taken my kids to Disney twice. Each time just gets better!
-done lots of little things around my house to make it feel comfortable to me.  Like painting my front door a zingy shade of yellow! 
-gotten rid of at least half my clothing.
-gotten to a good place with my ex where we can cooperate in the business of raising our kids.
-learned how to cover my gray hair on my own for $2 thus only having to get it done at the salon twice a year.
-worked (am am still working) with a financial planner to set and stick to a budget

Valuable lessons I've learned:
-Infidelity is awful. Divorce first, date later. Seriously. That has been BY FAR the hardest part for me to heal from. When my kids talk about her, it's like a tiny knife stabbing me in the heart. However, the knife is getting smaller and smaller. Eventually I know it will stop hurting.

-I am surviving and thriving. Never believed it would happen. 
-No amount of determination can speed up the healing process.
-Distractions (dating, drinking, eating, dancing, sleeping, etc.) might make it FEEL like you've healed but the pain will always be there until you deal with it.
-Nothing helps healing like a really great therapist!
-My kids were not ruined. It was dark for a while but we have emerged better and stronger.
-I love to reflect on my self growth and development. Probably why I was a psych major. Definitely why I love being a coach!
-I have a sparkle that people are attracted to. It's magnetic.  I'm coming back to life.
-I LOVE to have people in my house! Parties make my world go round. 
-I actually do have a head for business. I've surprised even myself. 
-I LOVE working for myself. I'm the best boss ever. EVER. :)
-The busier I am, the more productive I am.
-Single parenting works well for me.
-I love the team mentality I have with my kids right now. I'm still in charge but they want to do their best for the family. I love that.

What's yet to come?

-a road trip with my kids. Plan is for Fall 2015, Washington DC. Would also love to take a trip out west with them. Since I don't have a spouse to join me, Jimbo is coming! He and I are similar in our love of road trips so it works out well. Plus he is a pro camper and takes care of those details.
-lots of fun stuff planned for the summer. Trying to juggle growing a business and growing kids is tricky but so far it's working!

-a business that is going gangbusters. I have SO MANY ideas.  And they are so good. I need to put them into action.

-my first ski trip since 2005 to Whitefish, Montana

-I hope to have a solid relationship again, possibly even a marriage (waaay in the future.  I still have a lot of learning and growing to do). Although I am currently ambivalent about it, I know that deep down I want to find love and commitment.

I really can't believe it has only been two years. It astonishes me. I never believed things would turn around so quickly. When you are in the midst of a life upheaval, it feels like it will never end. I am so happy to be where I am today. Do I wish it could've come with less pain? Of course. But what is important is that I'm here. I've been blessed with smart people around me that encouraged me to make smart choices when I was at my worst. I have a giant circle of friends and family that are there at a moment's notice. I have a promise written down thousands of years ago in the Bible that assures me there is a plan for my life and for my kids. 

It's good stuff. 

a mighty pen

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. 

Sidebar: does anyone read "sword" and hear it as "S Words" from the SNL Jeopardy skit?  No?  Just me then?

Anyway, I have wielded a mighty pen over the last two years in the form of blogging.  I have been able to air and share my pain, my joy, my success, my failures.  Most of what I have written has been part of my healing process, of that there is no doubt.  Communication is one of my top strengths and it is great for me to put my thoughts down into words.  However, some was purposely useless and hurtful.

For those of you that used to read my private blog, you know that I quit writing there last summer when challenged by my therapist to quit "nursing and rehearsing" the breakup of my marriage.

This blog is not about my divorce--it is about my story, about my year of living healthfully.  However, divorce is part of that story and there is no changing that.  It has shaped and changed me like no other event in my life, mostly for the better. 

However, an event transpired last week that I have been debating about how to write about, not sure I even wanted to write about it.  Partly out of respect for the privacy of the other person but partly because I wasn't sure if it was real or not.

Last week, my ex and I had a great conversation (that he initiated) around apologies and forgiveness.  Our communication since that day has been much more productive and polite.  Something changed that night.  I felt a huge burden slide off my shoulders.  Just the door opening to the idea of an apology was a gigantic event in my world.  I never thought I would get one.

Since September, I've been working on forgiving my ex on my own.  It has been tough.  I have struggled.  I've inched forward and slid backwards.  But I made a little progress.  However, the talk last week pitched me forward many steps.

Is it all better?  No.  Is it perfect? No.  Did I hear everything I needed to hear? No.  But it was a start. 

And it opened the door to a coparenting relationship that is much more in line with my character than the bitter and hate filled one we had. We won't be best buddies and hang out with each other.  But we will be kind and friendly where the kids are involved.  Can't ask for much more than that!  We can stop seeing an attack in every text and getting defensive at every turn.  In fact, tonight we sat and chatted about business for a while and it was quite enjoyable.  It's good for the kids to see us having a normal conversation.

When I saw my therapist today, I said that we didn't need to talk about my ex and the divorce anymore.  I just feel done with it.  It is still part of my story and always will be, but I don't need to talk about the past anymore.

Which leads me to...forgiveness.  Never in my life have I had to forgive such a gigantic thing.  I can't say I'm fully there but I am so much closer than before.  I will forgive not because I want to, but because I am commanded to by Jesus, who I am striving to follow in all areas of my life.  If I am going to accept the forgiveness offered by Jesus, I must give forgiveness to others.  Pretty simple yet so hard!

Since I have accepted the apologies I've gotten (and given some of my own), I am no longer allowed to bring it up, talk about it or dwell on it.  I'm taking this to mean I'm no longer allowed to do those things in a deconstructive or useless way.  There is no way I will never talk about my divorce again.  It was a major life event and I can't just ignore it.  But I don't need to bring up offenses that caused pain and hurt.  By accepting this apology, I am saying that the door is closed on reliving the past.  I can focus on the future.

The pain of the past has been my constant companion over these last two years.  In a way, it feels strange to let it go.  But I think that is the only healthy thing to do, no? 

P. S. If you catch me nursing and rehearsing, call me on it!  Keep me accountable!

Top 10 lessons from my divorce

1.       People and places may not fit as well as they used to.  I did lose some friends.  I give them the benefit of the doubt and figure they don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything.  That is okay.  It’s sad but okay.  Sometimes I struggle to find my place, my best fit.  I look at it as an adventure most of the time.

2.       Focus on the stars, not the mud.  It is SO easy to only focus on the mud that surrounds the break up of a marriage and of a family.  There is a ton of mud.  But eventually you need to look up.  You need to see those stars twinkling, however faintly.  They get brighter.  Quit playing in the mud.

3.       The only path to healing is straight through!  Oh, how I have tried to ignore this truth.  I have tried dating, drinking, eating, cleaning, organizing….Nothing works.  The pain will still be there.  The only thing to do is resign yourself to the healing process and jump in with both feet.  Eventually the process will carry you to a better place if you stop fighting against it!

4.       Dating can be a painkiller.  When I am seeing someone, the sun shines a little brighter, the world sparkles just a bit more.  My pain is dulled and I no longer feel it.  It is wonderful!  And a total façade.  The pain is still there.  That is why I’m taking the year off dating.  Just say no to drugs!

5.       Divorce will not ruin my kids.  I was so fearful for at least the first year that my kids were going to be ruined.  They are not.  They struggled, to be sure.  There were some very dark times.  But ultimately, they are God’s property and He will not allow them to be ruined.

6.       Forgiveness is a choice but also a necessity.  There is very little desire to forgive, as far as feelings go.  However, I will continue to work on forgiving simply out of obedience to the Lord.  I will probably never FEEL like doing it but that is okay and totally normal.

7.       Sometimes you just need to be alone.  When I was first divorced, I frantically tried to fill up my kid free time.  I just couldn’t stand to be alone!  However, now that I have grown and gotten comfortable in this new life, I actually look forward to my time alone!  I am too social to spend the entirety of a weekend alone but I do relish the times where I have the house to myself—especially if it is clean!  J

8.       Boundaries have saved my bacon.  If you haven’t read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, go do it now.  Seriously.  The idea of boundaries finally clicked for me last summer.  I realized that I did not feel capable or competent to run my life and it seriously undermined my confidence.  Once I realized that I could set a boundary around myself and my kids, life got much easier.  I am enjoying my independence and my confidence in my ability to run my life is growing!

9.       I fell in love with my kids.  This sounds strange, I know.  When I was married, life was tense and hard.  I was so disconnected from myself that I didn’t even know how bad things really were.  Parenting was a burden and I resented doing it alone even when I had a partner there.  I loved my kids but I didn’t love being a mom.  Not so anymore!  Once I got my boundaries figured out, I realized how much I love my kids and how thankful I am to be their mom!  They are super awesome.  They are getting a much better mom now than they had before, because now I am into parenting and I am into them.  Once I set my top 3 priorities for my family (love them, provide a safe place, encourage them to share their feelings), life got so much easier.  I could ignore all the voices and the “should’s” and just focus on what I can do best for them.

10.   I crave genuine relationships.  When I was married, I didn’t want to get too deep with people.  I knew that if I gave voice to the issues, the whole thing would fall apart.  So I kept my relationships surface deep.  Now that I am living a more real, honest life, I crave relationships that go deep.  My single parents group at Grace is full of people that I have deep relationships with.  I love spending time with them because they get me, they get where I’m at (because they are too!) and they encourage and support me when I need it.  I never would’ve met these wonderful people if I was still married and then I would be missing out on some amazing friendships.