You attract what you put out there, part two

Last fall, I wrote a post about attracting the wrong types of guys. You can read it here.

As you know, I have quit dating. This is a good thing.

That doesn't mean that I don't find myself having moments of loneliness. During one such moment earlier this week, I started thinking about all that I have and how I tend to focus on the one thing I lack.

Yes, I am single. I am not in a romantic relationship with a man. But that doesn't mean I am alone!

I have attracted the most awesome group of friends over the past few years. I am only alone when I choose to be. And because most are all raging extroverts like me, I am very rarely alone!

If it is true that we attract what we put out there, I'm liking what I'm putting out there when it comes to friends. I can honestly say this is one area of life where I am nailing it.

I feel like I have authentic, vulnerable, honest, REAL friendships with these people. They are there for me when life is fun and easy and they are there when things stink. They are willing to go along with my last minute schemes and happy to hang out and be still.

I may not have a man in my life, but I have a network of friends that almost make that deisre disappear. Almost. :)

confessions of an insomniac

I've always been a troubled sleeper. I get anxious about sleep, which of course leads to insomnia.

My insomnia was at its worst during my senior year in college until about a month before my wedding. Perhaps that was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Anyway, it finally improved when I gave into taking an antidepressant. Nearly two years of 2-3 hours of sleep a night ended as I finally slept like a normal person. It was pure heaven.

I've tried to get off the meds before--I make it three weeks then crack up. I've finally learned it just isn't worth the pain and that my brain chemistry needs a little help in order to function properly. I'm only on about a quarter of what is considered a therapeutic dose but it does the trick.

However, I am also on another med that helps me quiet my mind. It isn't an actual sleeping pill, but rather an antihistamine (sort of like Benadryl but I can't take Benadryl anymore because it makes me literally start vibrating). I was put on this med when pregnant with Pibs because of course the insomnia and anxiety around sleep reared its ugly head.

I've had very few sleepless nights since beginning this cocktail of meds. Truthfully, it has been delightful! However, I have been in a mild depression for about seven years now. My life started to unravel after Pibs was born and that is when it started. Then there was the divorce, which can make any person depressed.

Lately I've been realizing that I sleep WAY too much (this didn't suddenly start, I just suddenly realized it is a problem). I am always tired. My first thought upon waking is wondering when I can take a nap. After talking this over with my doctor recently, I realized that it is more about too many meds rather than depression. She asked if I would cut out the sleeping meds and I told her just the mere thought of that made me start panicking inside.

So I decided to cut my dose in half. That was a few weeks ago. I am still sleeping great but just at night now--far less napping in my life! I have more energy, my head feels clearer and I am getting stuff done. Is it possible that I have been suffering from medication grogginess rather than depression?

Makes me wonder what is possible now! The plan is to get off the med entirely. It still freaks me out though so we'll see. Not sure I can tolerate sleepless nights as a single mama!

Isn't it crazy that the solution to my energy crisis may have been in my hands this whole time?

healing and dealing

Sometimes I wonder if the healing will ever come. 

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can put up with it.

Tonight I had a breakthrough. 

Need to set my own heart right before I can let the healing flow.

Pray for me.

the ugly cry

Well, it had to come out sometime.

Ever since the financial bomb went off last Tuesday, my soul has been trying to get its ugly cry on. Hasn't happened. The best I was able to do was to get a cracking headache and walk around with heavy shoulders.

But today, it found a way out! Of course, it was at church. And of course, I was in the front row since I had to be on stage at various times. Thankfully, the ugly cry waited until my speaking parts were done. 

I love worship music. It's how I chill with God. It centers my head in a way that reading the Bible or being in prayer can't. So our awesome music leader started singing The Desert Song by Hillsong. The lyrics just smacked me in the face and the ugly cry began. 

After a minute of trying to wipe at my eyes and not completely lose it, I felt a tap on my shoulder and saw a pack of tissues. Darling Katie, a few rows back, passed them up. Then Shelcy came and sat right next to me and wrapped me up, while I dripped tears (but not snot, I promise Shelcy!) on her arms. Somehow feeling love from these friends made me cry harder so I just let it go. It actually felt really good to get it out.

Unfortunately it isn't done. I've been breaking into tears on and off all afternoon. Ethan is circling me like a hawk and keeps finding me to check in. He's calling himself The Security Guard. He is such a sweet and precious boy--he just wants his mom to be okay. I struggle with showing this side of my emotional life to my kids. I don't want him to be worried about the things I'm worried about, but I also need him to understand that life isn't always perfect. 

This level of being down doesn't happen to me often. I've been worrying over things, been frustrated over things, been complaining about things. The reason I finally broke down is because I realized something very simple. I am trying to handle adversity on my own. I wasn't taking it to Jesus. It's so simple, yet somehow I continually forget. 

Below are the lyrics to this song. Not sure if Hillsong wrote it but that's the version I downloaded when I got home. Every line of this song is speaking to me right now. But the one I am choosing to focus on (or planning to when I can stop crying) is this: So refine me, Lord, through the flame. The Lord has been refining me since the minute I found out I was getting divorced. My continuing question has always been "Lord, what am I supposed to learn? What parts of me need to be refined?". When you ask God questions like this, He will make it painfully clear what He's trying to do. :)

"Desert Song"
[Verse 1:]
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
[Verse 2:]
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame
[Chorus:]
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
[Verse 3:]
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
[Bridge 4x:]
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
[Verse 4:]
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

it's getting better

Thank you for all the calls, texts and emails. I am still kicking. It was a bad day. But it's getting better.

First off, the job came through. The terms have changed a bit but it is still a great gig and a huge step forward for my business. With it came some great learning about how to put this offer forward to other organizations in the future.

Second, I have a plan for the financial side of things. I'm not going into detail about it yet (or maybe ever) but it is going to be very painful and difficult for me. I think some pain and difficulty is exactly what I need to finally learn how to manage money.

I've been trying to get better about remembering that a feeling is just a snapshot in time, and that it isn't necessarily permanent. That is hard for a person like me who sees the world through feelings. But I'm slowly learning how to be less of a slave to my feelings and to be more of an observer.

When I am getting beat down over and over, it is very difficult to maintain any sort of coolness. My head has been spinning for the past two days and that is usually not a very good thing.

However, from all that spinning has come ideas and solutions. New ways of looking at a situation. I'm not completely out of the spin cycle yet but I'm getting there. And now I am formulating a plan.

I'm going to be okay.

it just keeps getting better (heavy sarcasm)

source

The past 48 hours have bitch slapped me hard.

First the ex informs me that due to an error in his payments to me, I now owe him a ton of money that I do not have. I am barely surviving on what he pays me; I definitely don't have extra cash lying around. Supporting myself and two kids on less that half of what it used to be isn't working. However, due to our divorce settlement, if I go to work and need to put the kids in daycare I need to pay for it all myself. Kind of negates the money I would make working.

And now summer is upon us. Which means kids 24/7. Which means when I do work, I need to scramble to find childcare.

Then I found out that a big contract I was about to sign is up in the air. It was going to alleviate some of the financial pressure.

Then to top it all today, Ethan started throwing up.

Feeling pretty down. I know this is just a moment in time--it doesn't mean things are really this bad. But man, it feels like crap.

I created a Pinterest board to wallow in for a while. Join me if you too are having a bad day or three.

two years

Two years ago today I signed my divorce papers.

When I sat down to write this, I was sure it had been three years. Kept looking at the dates and realized that sure enough, it's only been two years!

Many of you have been with me since the beginning of this journey.  You've stuck with me through great times and awful times.  Your love and support has carried me though.  I would like to take this opportunity to share with you all I have accomplished (with your help!) and the valuable lessons I have learned in the past two years.

In the past two years, I've:
-learned that taking the trash out is NO BIG DEAL. Seriously.
-learned how to operate the beast of a snow blower my ex bought right before he left. It is heavy and hard to use but dang, it clears snow amazingly well!
-learned how to mow my lawn. Although thankfully Jimbo has become my lawn man and does it for me most all of the time. :) (Love you Dad!)
-handled a basement flood, not once but twice and repaired the damage without spending a penny (many thanks to the handy people that came to help me out!  A special thanks to my brother who watched YouTube videos to learn how to stretch carpet!) 

-learned that using my network is the key to surviving single motherhood and home ownership! 

-helped my friend start a cooking business in which she is able to use my awesome kitchen and I get free cooking lessons while she leads classes.
-refinanced my house so now I can say it is MY HOUSE!!!
-paid off my minivan.
-completed my coaching program (with an A average!).
-launched Rachel Olson Coaching!
-made boatloads of new friends.
-gone on many dates, some good. Many not good.
-stayed single--by choice.
-learned how to parent--finally.

-learned how to set boundaries and priorities that work for me and my kids. 
-fallen in love with my kids.
-been to the Grand Canyon twice and camped with my dad
-taken my kids to Disney twice. Each time just gets better!
-done lots of little things around my house to make it feel comfortable to me.  Like painting my front door a zingy shade of yellow! 
-gotten rid of at least half my clothing.
-gotten to a good place with my ex where we can cooperate in the business of raising our kids.
-learned how to cover my gray hair on my own for $2 thus only having to get it done at the salon twice a year.
-worked (am am still working) with a financial planner to set and stick to a budget

Valuable lessons I've learned:
-Infidelity is awful. Divorce first, date later. Seriously. That has been BY FAR the hardest part for me to heal from. When my kids talk about her, it's like a tiny knife stabbing me in the heart. However, the knife is getting smaller and smaller. Eventually I know it will stop hurting.

-I am surviving and thriving. Never believed it would happen. 
-No amount of determination can speed up the healing process.
-Distractions (dating, drinking, eating, dancing, sleeping, etc.) might make it FEEL like you've healed but the pain will always be there until you deal with it.
-Nothing helps healing like a really great therapist!
-My kids were not ruined. It was dark for a while but we have emerged better and stronger.
-I love to reflect on my self growth and development. Probably why I was a psych major. Definitely why I love being a coach!
-I have a sparkle that people are attracted to. It's magnetic.  I'm coming back to life.
-I LOVE to have people in my house! Parties make my world go round. 
-I actually do have a head for business. I've surprised even myself. 
-I LOVE working for myself. I'm the best boss ever. EVER. :)
-The busier I am, the more productive I am.
-Single parenting works well for me.
-I love the team mentality I have with my kids right now. I'm still in charge but they want to do their best for the family. I love that.

What's yet to come?

-a road trip with my kids. Plan is for Fall 2015, Washington DC. Would also love to take a trip out west with them. Since I don't have a spouse to join me, Jimbo is coming! He and I are similar in our love of road trips so it works out well. Plus he is a pro camper and takes care of those details.
-lots of fun stuff planned for the summer. Trying to juggle growing a business and growing kids is tricky but so far it's working!

-a business that is going gangbusters. I have SO MANY ideas.  And they are so good. I need to put them into action.

-my first ski trip since 2005 to Whitefish, Montana

-I hope to have a solid relationship again, possibly even a marriage (waaay in the future.  I still have a lot of learning and growing to do). Although I am currently ambivalent about it, I know that deep down I want to find love and commitment.

I really can't believe it has only been two years. It astonishes me. I never believed things would turn around so quickly. When you are in the midst of a life upheaval, it feels like it will never end. I am so happy to be where I am today. Do I wish it could've come with less pain? Of course. But what is important is that I'm here. I've been blessed with smart people around me that encouraged me to make smart choices when I was at my worst. I have a giant circle of friends and family that are there at a moment's notice. I have a promise written down thousands of years ago in the Bible that assures me there is a plan for my life and for my kids. 

It's good stuff. 

beautiful things

In the winter of 2012, my life was chaos. My marriage had ended, I was struggling very badly and my kids were as well. It was the most awful period of my life, ever.  

Every Monday, my kids and I would go to DivorceCare. On each drive, we would listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor over and over. During the darkest part of our lives, that song gave us hope that things might get better.

One night Ethan drew this for me:

Isn't he just the best? "Don't listen to the dust Mom. I am sorry that you are sad. I love you. God makes beautiful things out of the dust." This proves that kids do listen to song lyrics!

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

So flash forward to today. On my way to a meeting, I was listening to Beautiful Things again. Each time I hear it, it brings back memories of that difficult time. However, today I noticed that although those memories will never be erased, they have been handled. Here's the next verse:

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

God is faithful. Always. God has made us new. God has taken the ugliest of things and created something beautiful from it. Hope is springing up. Obedience sprang out of chaos. I am just so thankful to love a sovereign God that has a plan for me and my kids. Our story continues. 

Two years ago, I never imagined the tears and ache would stop. I thought my kids would be ruined. None of my fears came true. God has made us new. Believe that.

Here is the cover art for that song--look very closely!

the desire map

Nope, this post is not about sex. Sorry to disappoint. :)

My dear friend/consultant extraordinaire Rachel Greenhouse put The Desire Map in my path. She suggested we read it and discuss during our weekly co-working sessions.

I have been working my way through the first part of the book, which is all about creating goals with soul. Initially I thought I would use this more on my work side but it is turning out to be more about my personal life. I guess in my case my work and personal life are entwined, due to my brand being ME!

I like her approach. The book is an easy, almost stream of consciousness type of style. She hates the idea of boring, stiff goals. She prefers to call them intentions. In creating goals with soul, you connect on a deep level with what gets you really fired up and do more of that, rather than setting lofty, responsible, well thought out goals that don't excite you.

I'm finally at the part where I am ready to start mapping out my desire map. 

She focuses on 5 areas: 

• Livelihood & Lifestyle
• Body & Wellness
• Creativity & Learning
• Relationships & Society
• Essence & Spirituality

Sounds a little like my 4 areas of focus!

I tackled the first of many pages today that require me to really think about what I really want, what I truly desire.

Example: the prompt was "I crave" and what flowed from my pen was this:

peace. confidence. comfortable skin. less chin fat. a quiet mind. love. true love. a partner. feeling accomplished. strength.

Two pages full of stuff like that. There are many more to be filled!  I want to take my time though and really think. It's easy for me to think about emotional things with very little effort. I don't want to do that here. I don't want to get caught in the trap of writing the "right" things. I want intentions that sizzle and fit me perfectly. 

The only part of this book that sticks in my craw just a bit is where she says the point of all this is to feel good. I agree with that; however, I hesitate to accept that as a life mantra. Sometimes people do really selfish things that make them feel good and rock the worlds (in a bad way) of the people who are connected to them. I think there is danger in focusing solely on what makes you feel good. There needs to be some thought put into how your actions (or intentions) effect others.

So I will be working on this book for the next little bit. Taking my time writing is not the norm for me. I usually crank these posts out in under 10 minutes! Taking time to think before writing something is new for me. Maybe something amazing will come from it!

a mighty pen

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. 

Sidebar: does anyone read "sword" and hear it as "S Words" from the SNL Jeopardy skit?  No?  Just me then?

Anyway, I have wielded a mighty pen over the last two years in the form of blogging.  I have been able to air and share my pain, my joy, my success, my failures.  Most of what I have written has been part of my healing process, of that there is no doubt.  Communication is one of my top strengths and it is great for me to put my thoughts down into words.  However, some was purposely useless and hurtful.

For those of you that used to read my private blog, you know that I quit writing there last summer when challenged by my therapist to quit "nursing and rehearsing" the breakup of my marriage.

This blog is not about my divorce--it is about my story, about my year of living healthfully.  However, divorce is part of that story and there is no changing that.  It has shaped and changed me like no other event in my life, mostly for the better. 

However, an event transpired last week that I have been debating about how to write about, not sure I even wanted to write about it.  Partly out of respect for the privacy of the other person but partly because I wasn't sure if it was real or not.

Last week, my ex and I had a great conversation (that he initiated) around apologies and forgiveness.  Our communication since that day has been much more productive and polite.  Something changed that night.  I felt a huge burden slide off my shoulders.  Just the door opening to the idea of an apology was a gigantic event in my world.  I never thought I would get one.

Since September, I've been working on forgiving my ex on my own.  It has been tough.  I have struggled.  I've inched forward and slid backwards.  But I made a little progress.  However, the talk last week pitched me forward many steps.

Is it all better?  No.  Is it perfect? No.  Did I hear everything I needed to hear? No.  But it was a start. 

And it opened the door to a coparenting relationship that is much more in line with my character than the bitter and hate filled one we had. We won't be best buddies and hang out with each other.  But we will be kind and friendly where the kids are involved.  Can't ask for much more than that!  We can stop seeing an attack in every text and getting defensive at every turn.  In fact, tonight we sat and chatted about business for a while and it was quite enjoyable.  It's good for the kids to see us having a normal conversation.

When I saw my therapist today, I said that we didn't need to talk about my ex and the divorce anymore.  I just feel done with it.  It is still part of my story and always will be, but I don't need to talk about the past anymore.

Which leads me to...forgiveness.  Never in my life have I had to forgive such a gigantic thing.  I can't say I'm fully there but I am so much closer than before.  I will forgive not because I want to, but because I am commanded to by Jesus, who I am striving to follow in all areas of my life.  If I am going to accept the forgiveness offered by Jesus, I must give forgiveness to others.  Pretty simple yet so hard!

Since I have accepted the apologies I've gotten (and given some of my own), I am no longer allowed to bring it up, talk about it or dwell on it.  I'm taking this to mean I'm no longer allowed to do those things in a deconstructive or useless way.  There is no way I will never talk about my divorce again.  It was a major life event and I can't just ignore it.  But I don't need to bring up offenses that caused pain and hurt.  By accepting this apology, I am saying that the door is closed on reliving the past.  I can focus on the future.

The pain of the past has been my constant companion over these last two years.  In a way, it feels strange to let it go.  But I think that is the only healthy thing to do, no? 

P. S. If you catch me nursing and rehearsing, call me on it!  Keep me accountable!

Weigh In Wednesday

 It's not good news...

0 pounds lost

But the good news is that I have also gained 0 pounds!  :)  (I have to put that positive spin on it)

Wednesday and Thursday of last week were awesome.  I was eating well, walking, basically kicking ass.

Then I woke up feeling like crap on Friday.  And Saturday.  And Sunday....you get the picture.  A cold complete with the chills and body aches.  Ugh.

I'm still feeling pretty out of it--my head feels fuzzy.  But tomorrow I am going to do my best to get back on track and get my year moving again.

I had a great session with my awesome therapist (Heather) today.  My homework for the week is to meditate on Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".

When I read this, I have a caveat in my head: I am fearfully and wonderfully made and your works are wonderful, but not really until I am a size 10 again.

Heather has identified my belief that my value is somehow tied up in my weight as a false belief.  She is dead right.  She made me list out all the things that are wonderful about me.  It ended up being a long list.  :)  I realized that many of my beautiful friends see me through eyes that could care less what size I am.  It's a wonderful example.

So now I begin a journey of trying to see myself as God sees me--fearfully and wonderfully made, fully intended to be exactly who I am, exactly where I am at.  Terribly difficult for me to get my head around and accept.

I am positive I am not the only one with that false belief.  If you are in this with me, say a prayer for us both tonight.  :)

the most wonderful time of the year?

This holiday season is proving to be a tough one for me.   My ex asked for the divorce on December 23, 2011 around 10 PM.  Nice timing.  No thought at all about how it would impact the kids and of course it was MY fault for making him tell me that night.  Never mind the fact that he had been ignoring me for a week and spent each night in the bathroom till 2 AM texting his girlfriend.  But I digress.

I thought the holidays would be hard last year since it was my first year alone.  But I was so excited about how good life had gotten that I felt pretty upbeat and positive about the whole thing.

This year is not so good.  All the beautiful lights, the songs, the décor--it all is bringing back very painful memories.  And that makes me irate.  Seriously.  Why do I allow a person like that to steal my joy?  Why do I allow his crappy choices to affect me still, two years later? 

I am blessed to be out of that marriage.  I am blessed to parent my children on my own.  I am blessed in my new life.  I know all these things.

He and I had a huge text fight the other night and I had a total emotional meltdown.  After sobbing on the phone with my mom for a while, I made an appointment with my therapist.  :)  Clearly the work is not done!

All I can do is hope that I find true healing at some point and that all this grossness will help me in my business as I coach other women through this. 

But I still wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

you attract what you put out there

If it is true that you attract what you put out there, I need to seriously look at what I am putting out there!

Since I have been single, I have been on many dates.  Only a handful of them interested me enough for second dates.  None of them turned into a viable relationship.

One theme I have noticed is that I tend to attract emotionally unavailable men.  They seem normal enough but eventually the unavailability becomes clear and they disappear.

I learned while doing my coaching certification is that my top values are humor, playfulness, connection, emotional intimacy and positivity.  I need to be able to honor those values in my daily life, as a mom, with my family of origin as well as in a romantic relationship.

I'm doing pretty good at honoring them now in my life.  I wasn't when I was married, that became clear quite easily once I realized what my values actually were (sad that I didn't know until I was 35!).

I have not been able to honor these in a romantic relationship yet.  No one has been the right person.  I tend to attract very serious, emotionally unavailable men who have a hard time having fun.  They are attracted to me because I am fun and I have a great sense of humor.  I need to stop attracting these types of men! I tell ya, it's like bees to honey.  Yuck.

I am excited at the possibilities this year of determined singleness will bring!  I finally have given myself permission to give up for a year.  It is such a HUGE relief that I really can't express it in words.

My hope is that as I continue to figure out myself and my needs as a 36 year old single mom, I will begin to attract the right kind of man.  A man who loves the Lord.  A man who is wickedly funny and cracks me up.  A man who is up for adventure.  A man who likes to camp and take road trips.  A man that sees my kiddos as blessings.  A man who wants to spend time with me like it is going out of style.  A man who desires an emotional connection.  He's out there.  I just need to work on myself before I can find him.

Why I am not dating for the next year

As I've been mulling over what it means to be healthy, I realized that for me, in this season of my life, being single is being healthy.

I've spent my whole life trying to be something that someone wanted.  I thought that "love" and attention would somehow validate me, make me realize that I am worth it.  It hasn't worked.

Since my divorce, I have had a love/hate relationship with my singleness.  When I was first divorced, I was on a near frantic quest to find someone.  I didn't really want all the relationship stuff--I just wanted to feel wanted.  As if knowing that someone wanted to be with me would be enough to make me believe I was enough.  Didn't work.

A recent strange little attempt at a relationship ended.  Instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved.  I don't really want to deal with a relationship at this point.  I was pissed though, that this little failure made me feel lonely again.  I had done a good job for many months, letting the loneliness come and go without killing me.  It had just become a thing in my life, instead of crushing thing that I obsessed over.  This person had me believing it could be something special and in the end, it was the same old crap.  So I was pissed at myself for falling for it.

So where does that leave me?  Alone.  Single.  I am okay with that.  In fact, I think I NEED this.  So I am committing to no dating for at least one year.  I don't need it.  It stresses me out and puts my head in a place that I don't like.

No online dating.  No seeking guys out.  If Mr. Wonderful happens to wander into my life organically, I will build a friendship with him and nothing more until my year is up.  

This isn't a fear based decision.  It is a FREEDOM based decision!  And coming from a recovering codependent, that is powerful.  

I am too awesome to waste myself on people that don't appreciate it.  :)

yo, it's about that time....

KICK OFF! 

Today is the official kick off to the Year of Living Healthfully!  Thank you for joining me here!  

Last year, I decided my 35th year would be my best year ever!  It didn't quite pan out that way--it was a pretty good year but I didn't accomplish what I wanted.  It was a growing year and I wasn't ready to put the work in the way that I needed to. 

But my 36th year?  Going to rock the casbah on this one!  I am feeling better emotionally than I have in many years, which means I have the stamina to create the physical changes I have been longing for.

Goals for this year:
1. Lose weight, but in increments.  I will break this huge goal down into many small goals.
2. Create a spiritual discipline around prayer and devotion.  God has brought me through the most challenging season of my life!  
3. Get my financial house in order.
4. Grow my business!   

I will elaborate on these goals as time goes by and probably add new ones.  But for now, that's a start.

If you would like to join the closed Facebook group for the Year of Living Healthfully, click here.

Onward to my best year ever!  I'd love to hear what plans you have for your year!

Disturbing realization

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts since I started this cleanse.  Sure, I have felt tired and had low energy and been emotionally hungry.  But today I noticed that I seem a little down, more so than I would expect.

Something that JT (my brother-in-law) said to me the other day resonated today.  He learned in AA that if you take away the thing that makes you happy (for him, alcohol, for me, food) and don't figure out how to get happy without it, you will be a miserable human being.

I do not want to be a miserable human being.  But I am realizing that food, soda and alcohol have brought me much happiness and comfort over the past eight years.  It kept me company when my husband ignored me; it made me happy when my children made me crazy.  It is embarassing to say those things.  But it has been my companion for many years--my unhealthy, abusive companion but my companion nonetheless.

I miss the fleeting joy I would get from drinking a diet coke.  I miss the happiness I would feel when eating something that I knew was bad for me but just didn't care.

I am not giving up on this year of living healthfully!  Don't worry about that.  But I do think it is smart to identify my emotions and understand them--that much I have learned over the last few years.  I am, at my core, a positive, upbeat and enthusiastic person.  That will not change!  But right now I am noticing that I relied on things to bring me happiness which is exactly what I tell my kids not to do!  Happiness and joy come from the inside. 

Food should never have the power to control my happiness and joy!

The four areas of focus

This year, I'm focusing on getting four areas of my life under control and thriving.

Spiritual health
Emotional health
Physical health
Financial health

To say that I neglect most of these areas on a regular basis is an understatement.  I'm sure many of you can totally feel me on this.  It's tough to balance home, work, family, friends, etc.  We are usually the last person that we give our time to. 

As a coach, I find it so fun and invigorating to help my clients thrive in these four areas.  But it is SO much easier to encourage another than to encourage ourselves!

Let's break the four areas down!

Spiritual health: daily devotions!  I do one called SOLO and I journal each day--it has been super fun to look back and see what I was feeling a few months ago.  I want to fill up my notebook this year!  Also, I need to make Jesus the center of my life.  My plumb line.  The truth that I can hold onto when I start freaking out.

Emotional health: I want to love me.  I want to feel fully comfortable with who I have become.  She's a pretty rad chick.  I want to continue to build and maintain HEALTHY boundaries in my life.  I want to affirm myself for keeping those boundaries, especially when my nature is telling me I am wrong to have them.  I want to go to bed each night feeling like I nailed it--no regrets.

Physical health: This is an easy one--I need to lose weight.  But instead of putting a number on it, I will put a feeling.  I want to feel comfortable in this body, in this skin.  I don't want to constantly be adjusting my shirt so it isn't clinging to my fat belly.  (Beautiful mental picture, right?)  I want to feel pretty.  I want to feel like people see me, that I'm not just some fat mom.  But I also want to get strong.  I used to be strong--I liked how that felt.  I want that back.

Financial health: This is an area I can honestly say has NEVER been under control for me.  I have never stuck to a budget (mini challenge alert!).  My ex and I were both idiots when it came to finances.  Not a good match there.  I do okay but I have zero savings and lots of stupid sh*t clogging up my house.  Pretty easy to see the correlation there!  I would like to have a nice little stockpile of cash in case of an emergency.  I would like to contribute something to my IRA.  I would like to tithe regularly to my church.  I need to find a way to budget that works for me.  My dear mother has tried many times to help me but the reality is that I need to help me--that's the only way it will work.  Please let me know if you have any advice or insight on this one!

So there are my four areas of focus this year.  I am an adaptable person so I like to leave rooms for things to shift a bit.  However, I will stay true to these four.  Four feels manageable!

One month from tomorrow is the official kick off!  I feel so proactive.  :)