michael bolton, we're gonna need you to focus up

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Alright peeps.

Time to get focused and back to the mission.

This past year has seen me make great emotional strides and not as great physical strides.

My business is growing and (dare I say?) showing signs of great fruit.

My spiritual life is on track. Just last night I got an answer from God about something I had been pondering. Chose to listen and obey (before first disobeying and suffering the consequences)--that's a good change.

My therapist bitch slapped some sense into me this summer and I made a great leap forward in my emotional healing.

My physical self is in the worst shape it has ever been.

My habits are bad. My resolve is flimsy. My focus is scattered.

So, here is the plan for this week. Just for this week. No more sweeping, grand plans. One week of focus.

This week, I will:

1. Get 50,000 steps logged on my FitBit

2. Drink at least 8 glasses of water per day (bonus love for myself if I start the day off with tea instead of soda)

3. Eat the meals I have prepared for the week

Can I do it? Stay tuned!

(12,345 bonus points for you if you can identify the source of my subject line)

Weigh In Wednesday

 It's not good news...

0 pounds lost

But the good news is that I have also gained 0 pounds!  :)  (I have to put that positive spin on it)

Wednesday and Thursday of last week were awesome.  I was eating well, walking, basically kicking ass.

Then I woke up feeling like crap on Friday.  And Saturday.  And Sunday....you get the picture.  A cold complete with the chills and body aches.  Ugh.

I'm still feeling pretty out of it--my head feels fuzzy.  But tomorrow I am going to do my best to get back on track and get my year moving again.

I had a great session with my awesome therapist (Heather) today.  My homework for the week is to meditate on Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".

When I read this, I have a caveat in my head: I am fearfully and wonderfully made and your works are wonderful, but not really until I am a size 10 again.

Heather has identified my belief that my value is somehow tied up in my weight as a false belief.  She is dead right.  She made me list out all the things that are wonderful about me.  It ended up being a long list.  :)  I realized that many of my beautiful friends see me through eyes that could care less what size I am.  It's a wonderful example.

So now I begin a journey of trying to see myself as God sees me--fearfully and wonderfully made, fully intended to be exactly who I am, exactly where I am at.  Terribly difficult for me to get my head around and accept.

I am positive I am not the only one with that false belief.  If you are in this with me, say a prayer for us both tonight.  :)

useless perfectionism

I found out this summer that my immobility and failure to act at times is a symptom of perfectionism.  Whhhaaa?

I have always been one to hold myself back from trying new things.  Even as a kid, I didn't want to play sports because I didn't want to not be great from the get go.  I see this trait in my son--help me Rhonda.

I tended to gravitate towards activities where I wouldn't let people down if I failed--skiing, biking, camping, etc.  I hate to do something if I'm not sure I can be great.

I found out a few years ago that one of my top strengths is Maximizer.  Maximizers strive for excellence and are disappointed with anything less.  Yes, I believe that describes me!  However, instead of pushing myself to bigger and better things, I hold myself back because I don't believe I can achieve excellence.  Clearly not using this strength as well as I could.

This useless perfectionism needs to go.  I've let go of a lot of bad habits and patterns of behavior over the last few years as a result of my divorce.  Every day I am thankful that I was given a second chance to create a life that matters.  I think I am rising to the pursuit of excellence in a number of key areas--but the one glaring hole is my health. 

How do I break the cycle of inaction and finally get to where I want to be?  This blog definitely helps.  I think the next big thing to tackle is food.  I don't remember how to eat right.  Even when I was eating right back in my skinny days (before sweet Olivia got here), I was mainly eating fake food but just less food in general so I lost weight.  Now I feel this need to be healthy and not eat crap but I don't really know how to do it so I am stuck in crappy eating and self loathing.

Any suggestions?

the horror of online dating

Full disclosure....I have a profile on OkCupid.  I have it for two reasons: first, it is absolutely free and second, it is used purely for entertainment at this point.

There are your typical douche guys who clearly spend their lives in the gym and want their date to do the same.  Not for me.

But yesterday I ran across a new one--a fat dude that wants a skinny chick!  He admitted he was fat but said he only wants to date a fit and toned woman. 

Help me Rhonda.  Even the fatties don't want to date someone my size.