confessions of an insomniac

I've always been a troubled sleeper. I get anxious about sleep, which of course leads to insomnia.

My insomnia was at its worst during my senior year in college until about a month before my wedding. Perhaps that was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Anyway, it finally improved when I gave into taking an antidepressant. Nearly two years of 2-3 hours of sleep a night ended as I finally slept like a normal person. It was pure heaven.

I've tried to get off the meds before--I make it three weeks then crack up. I've finally learned it just isn't worth the pain and that my brain chemistry needs a little help in order to function properly. I'm only on about a quarter of what is considered a therapeutic dose but it does the trick.

However, I am also on another med that helps me quiet my mind. It isn't an actual sleeping pill, but rather an antihistamine (sort of like Benadryl but I can't take Benadryl anymore because it makes me literally start vibrating). I was put on this med when pregnant with Pibs because of course the insomnia and anxiety around sleep reared its ugly head.

I've had very few sleepless nights since beginning this cocktail of meds. Truthfully, it has been delightful! However, I have been in a mild depression for about seven years now. My life started to unravel after Pibs was born and that is when it started. Then there was the divorce, which can make any person depressed.

Lately I've been realizing that I sleep WAY too much (this didn't suddenly start, I just suddenly realized it is a problem). I am always tired. My first thought upon waking is wondering when I can take a nap. After talking this over with my doctor recently, I realized that it is more about too many meds rather than depression. She asked if I would cut out the sleeping meds and I told her just the mere thought of that made me start panicking inside.

So I decided to cut my dose in half. That was a few weeks ago. I am still sleeping great but just at night now--far less napping in my life! I have more energy, my head feels clearer and I am getting stuff done. Is it possible that I have been suffering from medication grogginess rather than depression?

Makes me wonder what is possible now! The plan is to get off the med entirely. It still freaks me out though so we'll see. Not sure I can tolerate sleepless nights as a single mama!

Isn't it crazy that the solution to my energy crisis may have been in my hands this whole time?

healing and dealing

Sometimes I wonder if the healing will ever come. 

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can put up with it.

Tonight I had a breakthrough. 

Need to set my own heart right before I can let the healing flow.

Pray for me.

it's good to have friends

Yesterday was not the best day. I learned a hard lesson about listening to my gut.

Late last night, Courtney and I were texting and she asked if I needed her to come over. I of course said no, because I am not one to burden anyone (other than my mom and sister!) with my stupid problems.

She texted me back that she was coming over anyway. :)

I found myself with a huge smile on my face and feeling very loved. She came over, we ate Oreos and watched Pitch Perfect. It was a delightful evening!

I realized that I say no to love way too often. I don't want to be a burden, or be any trouble. But even though I said no last night, Courtney realized what I needed and came over anyway. That is the definition of friendship.

I'd like to learn to be more open to letting people love on me and love on my kids. I was on an island for so many years where the only way to survive was to keep people out. I'm not on that island anymore. I have nothing to hide anymore.

The island is open. Come on by for a visit. :)

Ethan had a breakthrough!

Something excited happened here last night and I need to capture it here.

Some of you know that the divorce was pretty tough on Ethan. He was very sad and got to a point where he was hurting himself at times. Eventually he was diagnosed with situational depression and we found a good therapist that really helped him.

But with kids, the progress is slow and you don't always see the fruit of your labor when you want.

One of the things we worked on in therapy was Truth Talk vs. Stinkin' Thinkin'. Stinkin' Thinkin' are the lies you have in your head. For example, I'm so stupid, I'm unlovable, I'm the worst boy ever. Truth Talk is what you say to combat those lies. For example, I made a mistake that I can learn from. I may not have all the answers but I can handle it. I was created for a special purpose and am meant to be here.  You get the general idea.

It was an exhausting nightly exercise for many, many months with Ethan. We would sit together on his bed, he would be down on himself, I would encourage Truth Talk. Very difficult to see what I feel is a truly amazing boy be so down on himself.

So flash forward to last night. After I tucked the kids in, Ethan came back down to tell me he had a chat room fight with a friend. He was just explaining to me what had happened and that they worked it out but I was only hearing "cyber bully!!!" in my mind. I told him very firmly that he was not to ever say mean things to a friend online ever again or I would take tech away from him for a very long time. I didn't even really hear what he was actually telling me, which became clear later.

When I went up to bed, there was a long note for me at the top of the stairs. He explained that he made a mistake, that he felt bad about it but that he was glad he apologized. Then he said "I'm a very tired boy, I need to sleep now".

I immediately wrote him a note to see in the morning about how I could've handled that better and praised him for apologizing to his friend and for handling the situation.

Then I creeped into his room just to see if he was still awake and sure enough, he was. We hugged it out and I gave him my note. He told me that he was going to write "I'm a stupid, terrible boy" but then he stopped and realized he was just really tired and that those things weren't true about him.

THIS IS HUGE. I've gotten many notes from him that tell me how horrible he is, how stupid he is, how he is the worst kid ever. Honestly, when I first saw that he had written something last night, I sighed and thought "Here we go again.". My instinct when I get those bad notes is to hug him, tell him how amazing he is and let it go. But that doesn't really get to the heart of the matter--what he believes about himself. He is the only one who can Truth Talk himself. I simply need to put the right tools in his path. I am so proud of him for doing it all on his own this time!

Ethan just made a huge step forward in his emotional health. I want to celebrate him and encourage him to keep moving forward in the right direction!

it's getting better

Thank you for all the calls, texts and emails. I am still kicking. It was a bad day. But it's getting better.

First off, the job came through. The terms have changed a bit but it is still a great gig and a huge step forward for my business. With it came some great learning about how to put this offer forward to other organizations in the future.

Second, I have a plan for the financial side of things. I'm not going into detail about it yet (or maybe ever) but it is going to be very painful and difficult for me. I think some pain and difficulty is exactly what I need to finally learn how to manage money.

I've been trying to get better about remembering that a feeling is just a snapshot in time, and that it isn't necessarily permanent. That is hard for a person like me who sees the world through feelings. But I'm slowly learning how to be less of a slave to my feelings and to be more of an observer.

When I am getting beat down over and over, it is very difficult to maintain any sort of coolness. My head has been spinning for the past two days and that is usually not a very good thing.

However, from all that spinning has come ideas and solutions. New ways of looking at a situation. I'm not completely out of the spin cycle yet but I'm getting there. And now I am formulating a plan.

I'm going to be okay.

beautiful things

In the winter of 2012, my life was chaos. My marriage had ended, I was struggling very badly and my kids were as well. It was the most awful period of my life, ever.  

Every Monday, my kids and I would go to DivorceCare. On each drive, we would listen to Beautiful Things by Gungor over and over. During the darkest part of our lives, that song gave us hope that things might get better.

One night Ethan drew this for me:

Isn't he just the best? "Don't listen to the dust Mom. I am sorry that you are sad. I love you. God makes beautiful things out of the dust." This proves that kids do listen to song lyrics!

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

So flash forward to today. On my way to a meeting, I was listening to Beautiful Things again. Each time I hear it, it brings back memories of that difficult time. However, today I noticed that although those memories will never be erased, they have been handled. Here's the next verse:

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

God is faithful. Always. God has made us new. God has taken the ugliest of things and created something beautiful from it. Hope is springing up. Obedience sprang out of chaos. I am just so thankful to love a sovereign God that has a plan for me and my kids. Our story continues. 

Two years ago, I never imagined the tears and ache would stop. I thought my kids would be ruined. None of my fears came true. God has made us new. Believe that.

Here is the cover art for that song--look very closely!

little bit of this, little bit of that

Dreary. Dreary day. Who else wants to just snuggle up in a fuzzy blanket with a good book? My couch is currently covered in goldfish crumbs so I am forced to be upright and working. Probably a good thing.

Still struggling with no energy. I got rid of the tv in my bedroom and thought it would improve my sleep. NOPE! Made it way worse. Now instead of going bed at the end of a certain show, I am staying up until 1 AM following rabbit holes all over the internet. Ugh. Need to stop this.

I am having a coaching identity crisis. What I thought I wanted to do with my business has changed and now I am trying to figure out what my business looks like going forward. I've been doing a lot of corporate work using strengths, which I love. I prefer group to individual coaching. I don't want to work solely with women dealing with divorce. I've moved on since I first created my business and I need my offerings to reflect that. I've been doing a lot of research and writing lately, just trying to find the right fit. I guess it's normal for small businesses to evolve, right?

Going to start a whole foods cleanse on Monday. Only 7 days. No supplements or potions. Just whole food. Recipes look tasty. More info here.

Had a great breakthrough whilst reading a blog the other night. When I was first single, I went on the best date ever. Still is. It was seriously a super fun night. I hold that night up as the standard which of course no date since has met. So for a long time I thought there was something special about the man I was on the date with. He was a nice man but not the man for me. But that special evening made me think he was the man for me. It took me a long time to move past it but I have now. But what I realized is that he was not what made that night seem so special. I loved who I was that night! I was sparkly, vivacious, hilarious, engaging...all good things. And my hair looked great that day. :) I want to FEEL that way again--it has nothing to do with him. I felt excited, liberated, hopeful, ready to take on my single life. I am far more jaded now and expect each date to be a miserable failure (another good reason not to date right now). But that night was magical. It really was. But the breakthrough is about how I want to recapture ME in that moment, not him. Maybe I will be that girl again someday. I hope so.

That's it for now. Off to serve a free meal at Grace to whoever needs it. We are having hot dogs tonight, Pibs is pumped!