wheat. sigh.

I've been seeing an alternative healer since September (I call her my hippie nutritionist). She is awesome and has helped me find relief from some of my symptoms by using real food supplements.

However, she can only help me to a certain point. She needs me to clean up my food scene. And that means I stop eating wheat.

She's been telling me this for MONTHS yet I keep eating wheat. I love it. I crave it. It comforts me. It's easy to eat.

We were chatting yesterday and I finally said that the real thing that is keeping me from compliance is that I'm not sure I totally buy it. Is this just a fad thing? She said no way, that many of her clients don't have food sensitivities at all. But she said my body has been screaming about it since she met me.

I know that the three most inflammatory foods are wheat, sugar and dairy. I should be able to do this. But I can't seem to pull the trigger on full avoidance. I do a little here and there but I need to go all in or it really doesn't matter.

Still wrestling with this one, I have no good answers yet. For now I will turn to my trusty Google and see what research I can rustle up. I have read that gallbladder and liver issues often stem from an undiagnosed food sensitivity. Maybe it's really a thing?

relentless positivity

In 2007, I had my gallbladder removed after 4 years of escalating symptoms. I thought I would be home free once I recovered; however, what has followed has been nearly 10 years of pain, discomfort and questions.

In 2008, I had a colonoscopy to try to determine why I was still so sick. They weren't able to come up with a reason but they did find pre-cancerous polyps. If left alone, those polyps would've turned into colon cancer by now. I consider my sickness to be a blessing of sorts, because I could be dead today if they hadn't discovered the polyps. I have no family history and no reason to get that checked out. Now I have a colonoscopy every 3 years to make sure I don't get colon cancer.

In 2015, I went to the dermatologist to figure out why my hair was falling out. Again, no answers to that but that is when my highly inflammed blood was looked at and I was sent to see a liver doctor. So I guess thinning hair could be considered a blessing here because it got a doctor to actually look at what my body was saying.

If none of that had happened, I could be dead. If I don't make changes, I will be dead.

It's all terrible, yes, but it could be so much worse!!!

I choose to look at all these problems as opportunities, and I think that is what will make the difference.

Also, I'm 7 days sober and feeling good about it!

Also also, REALLY hoping that lowered blood inflammation and a happy liver will make my hair healthy again....#vanity

this made me laugh

A sight rarely seen in my house--all my wine glasses clean and in the cupboard! Ha!

it's go time.

Ah, it's good to be back.

So much has happened. Some of it is very bad but I'll get to that.

To those that are back with me from before, welcome! To new folks, pull up a chair and join me on this journey!

Here's the bad news: my liver is giving up on me. Yup. It's bad. I had a liver biopsy earlier this month and got the results today. They measure liver health on a 4 point scale. 0 is a normal, healthy liver. 4 is cirrhosis. I am at a 2, considered fibrosis. 

The good news is this: the damage is, at this stage, completely reversible! However, it is going to take massive commitment and hard work for me to reverse this. I have to avoid alcohol and lose at least 10% of my body weight.

This happened because of my weight. I literally made my liver fat, along with the rest of me. Add a hefty amount of social drinking and my liver just couldn't keep up.

I am going to blog about this, simply as a way to cope. I need to put words down to help myself process all of this. I went to a happy hour last night and didn't realize it would be my last drink. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I will be stone cold sober. It's going to be weird and hard for a while. I am also quitting Diet Coke. I have to, although the doctor didn't say I needed to. I need to stop filling my liver with toxins if I want it to heal.

As far as my food scene, I'll keep working with my nutritionist and keep trying to keep the wheat out of my life. 

And my Y membership will finally start to get used again!

I knew this was coming. I've known for a year that my liver wasn't happy but now it is confirmed. Can't ignore it anymore. If I keep ignoring it, liver failure and a liver transplant are in my near future. And that is just not okay.

Side note: if you are carrying around extra weight, this could happen to you. You don't want this to happen to you! Join me this year to get healthy.

So for now, everything I put in my body will have to pass the liver test. "Is this going to help or hurt my liver"? Seems like a pretty good way to go.

Wish me luck! This is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

health in a glass

This is the morning shake that has kept me alive during this AIP. It really has grown on me and I think it will stay in my life long after the AIP is over.

First step, take two big handfuls of raw spinach and put them in your glass. I use a Nutribullet, by the way. It is awesome and blends everything to perfection.

Next, pour in as many frozen blueberries as you want! Please excuse my cloudy glass, it is well used.

Next, put in some protein powder. Right now, I am using Vega, which is a vegan pea protein since I can't have whey (dairy product). You can use whatever flavor you want, I use vanilla.

Now I put in a few heaping scoops of hemp hearts and ground flaxseed. Hemp hearts don't seem to congeal the way chia seeds do. Make sure your flaxseed is ground or else it will just travel right through you without giving you any health benefits!

Now fill it up with water or any other liquid of your choice! Normally I would use almond milk but I can't have that right now.

With the Nutribullet, it blends everything down so you don't have to worry about getting weird strings of spinach in your drink. Also, because it is blended and not juiced, you don't lose any nutrients or fiber!

It ain't pretty but it is tasty!

who's down with AIP? yeah, you know me!

I am nearly done with my two weeks on the AIP (autoimmune protocol). I'm not going to lie--it sucks. It is severely restrictive and rigid.

I posted about it on Facebook last week and apparently some people think this is a new diet plan, like Atkin's or South Beach. It is most definitely not! You wouldn't want to do this for weight loss because I don't think it is sustainable in the long run.

I took this drastic route because my body is incredibly inflamed and by taking every possible inflammatory food out of my system, the hope is that my gut will heal and the inflammation will subside.

To say that I miss bread is an understatement. I would scarf down an entire loaf right this second if I could! I've been living on my green shake (which I will post about sometime), veggies and guac, chicken and steak and berries. It makes it basically impossible to ever leave the house because you can't NOT be in control of what food is available.

This is just the first step in trying to heal the brokenness I've been living with the past 8 years. I'm far from done but it is a step forward.

I shall leave you with this:

back to business!

In retrospect, I should've named this blog The YEARS of Living Healthfully. What was I thinking, that I could overhaul my life in one year? I guess I'm just crazy like that!

living fully ever after

What up folks?

Been awhile.

Sorry about that. Too busy growing other things lately.

I've launched a new side to my coaching business: Living Fully Ever After.

Join me here and read my post of a letter to my newly divorced self!

the year of living slothfully

I blame my Chromecast.

It has been an adventure, exploring all the cool crap it can do.

I also blame the weather. Clouds make me sleepy.

But mostly, I blame a big, gigantic dream swirling around in my head.

My business is going through some changes--very good changes, but changes nonetheless. Changes that require thought, planning, dreaming.

When I have a lot on my mind like that, I tend to retreat. I usually beat myself up for it.

But tonight I realized something. What if the slothfulness is just part of my process?

In order to create something amazing, maybe what I need is downtime. Thought time. Processing time. Dreaming time.

Time's up. I have a meeting on Friday to prepare for. I have a dream to sketch out. I have a business to plan, a business to build.

It's gonna be awesome.

another week of nailing it

62,369 steps last week!

Wasn't sure how it would go.  Spent 4 days in Wisconsin.  Dancing for 6 hours on Saturday night really boosted things. :-)

I noticed this morning whilst in the shower that my heels weren't hurting.  Is my plantar fasciitis getting better due to all the walking?

One day in

Stats for Monday:

Steps: 9,267
Water: Guzzled it
Food: Not great. Ate out twice--lunch at Jimmy John's (was at a client, it is within walking distance); dinner at Don Pablo's (my fav place to eat alone, Mondays are usually my only evening "off" from the kids so I took advantage)

Overall, did well.

Tried refrigerator oatmeal. Supposed to be eaten cold. Nope. Going to try and warm it up a little. 

Finally gathered all the supplies to make the following:

frozen chicken burritos
soup in a jar
green salad with chicken and chili lime vingegarette

Plan is to put this stuff together tomorrow and get my kitchen in order.

Now it is MEA which means kids, outdoor fun and no structure! Can I survive? Stay tuned.... :)

michael bolton, we're gonna need you to focus up

via

Alright peeps.

Time to get focused and back to the mission.

This past year has seen me make great emotional strides and not as great physical strides.

My business is growing and (dare I say?) showing signs of great fruit.

My spiritual life is on track. Just last night I got an answer from God about something I had been pondering. Chose to listen and obey (before first disobeying and suffering the consequences)--that's a good change.

My therapist bitch slapped some sense into me this summer and I made a great leap forward in my emotional healing.

My physical self is in the worst shape it has ever been.

My habits are bad. My resolve is flimsy. My focus is scattered.

So, here is the plan for this week. Just for this week. No more sweeping, grand plans. One week of focus.

This week, I will:

1. Get 50,000 steps logged on my FitBit

2. Drink at least 8 glasses of water per day (bonus love for myself if I start the day off with tea instead of soda)

3. Eat the meals I have prepared for the week

Can I do it? Stay tuned!

(12,345 bonus points for you if you can identify the source of my subject line)

Pics from the annual Grand Canyon trip!

Selfie on the South Rim! I spent the afternoon on a ledge cheering on my group as well as strangers. :) Time well spent!

 

 

My traveling companions! Gary and his daughter Sara. We desperately tried to hit a Vegas buffet but who knew the lines would be over a two hour wait?!?!? We found a nice cafe and gorged on pizza!

 

 

Jimbo (second from left) and his buddies! Love these guys.

 

This dude is 67 years old!!!! He is so awesome.

T 

 A beautiful rainbow welcomed our hikers to the end of the hike!

 

 

You attract what you put out there, part two

Last fall, I wrote a post about attracting the wrong types of guys. You can read it here.

As you know, I have quit dating. This is a good thing.

That doesn't mean that I don't find myself having moments of loneliness. During one such moment earlier this week, I started thinking about all that I have and how I tend to focus on the one thing I lack.

Yes, I am single. I am not in a romantic relationship with a man. But that doesn't mean I am alone!

I have attracted the most awesome group of friends over the past few years. I am only alone when I choose to be. And because most are all raging extroverts like me, I am very rarely alone!

If it is true that we attract what we put out there, I'm liking what I'm putting out there when it comes to friends. I can honestly say this is one area of life where I am nailing it.

I feel like I have authentic, vulnerable, honest, REAL friendships with these people. They are there for me when life is fun and easy and they are there when things stink. They are willing to go along with my last minute schemes and happy to hang out and be still.

I may not have a man in my life, but I have a network of friends that almost make that deisre disappear. Almost. :)

See them grow!

Every summer since 1990, my family has spent a week at Crow Wing Crest Lodge near Akeley, MN.

When my kids were each born, they both got a CWC shirt. Each year, I take a picture of them in that shirt next to the door of the cabin.

It is so wonderful to look at all these pictures together and see how they have grown!

Also, we figure Ethan has maybe two more years in his until it becomes a belly shirt.

I envision Ethan holding his up to himself when it doesn't fit anymore and the kids handing down these shirts to their kids someday!

 

 

confessions of an insomniac

I've always been a troubled sleeper. I get anxious about sleep, which of course leads to insomnia.

My insomnia was at its worst during my senior year in college until about a month before my wedding. Perhaps that was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Anyway, it finally improved when I gave into taking an antidepressant. Nearly two years of 2-3 hours of sleep a night ended as I finally slept like a normal person. It was pure heaven.

I've tried to get off the meds before--I make it three weeks then crack up. I've finally learned it just isn't worth the pain and that my brain chemistry needs a little help in order to function properly. I'm only on about a quarter of what is considered a therapeutic dose but it does the trick.

However, I am also on another med that helps me quiet my mind. It isn't an actual sleeping pill, but rather an antihistamine (sort of like Benadryl but I can't take Benadryl anymore because it makes me literally start vibrating). I was put on this med when pregnant with Pibs because of course the insomnia and anxiety around sleep reared its ugly head.

I've had very few sleepless nights since beginning this cocktail of meds. Truthfully, it has been delightful! However, I have been in a mild depression for about seven years now. My life started to unravel after Pibs was born and that is when it started. Then there was the divorce, which can make any person depressed.

Lately I've been realizing that I sleep WAY too much (this didn't suddenly start, I just suddenly realized it is a problem). I am always tired. My first thought upon waking is wondering when I can take a nap. After talking this over with my doctor recently, I realized that it is more about too many meds rather than depression. She asked if I would cut out the sleeping meds and I told her just the mere thought of that made me start panicking inside.

So I decided to cut my dose in half. That was a few weeks ago. I am still sleeping great but just at night now--far less napping in my life! I have more energy, my head feels clearer and I am getting stuff done. Is it possible that I have been suffering from medication grogginess rather than depression?

Makes me wonder what is possible now! The plan is to get off the med entirely. It still freaks me out though so we'll see. Not sure I can tolerate sleepless nights as a single mama!

Isn't it crazy that the solution to my energy crisis may have been in my hands this whole time?

healing and dealing

Sometimes I wonder if the healing will ever come. 

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can put up with it.

Tonight I had a breakthrough. 

Need to set my own heart right before I can let the healing flow.

Pray for me.

what's the haps?

Does anyone else feel like summer is FLYING by? It is the second week of July and I feel like we've done barely anything. Disconcerting, to say the least.

I have a good post brewing in my mind but it isn't quite ready to be released just yet. So I shall share some random bits of life with you.

• Casual dating is a myth. It should instead be called placeholder dating. I am way into placeholder dating these days. Basically, it means you could never envision love or a future with a person but you hang out with them anyway, until something better comes along. So.....yeah. Once I realized that this is actually what I meant by "casually dating", it became clear to me that I must stop. I don't want to be someone's placeholder and I'm certain they don't want to be mine. My therapist backed all this up as well. :) Dating is finished for me. If God wants me to have a partner, He better throw him in my path because I'm done looking for him.

 

• My girl Courtney is moving into the house next door! Watch out neighborhood! I adore Courtney and her family. She is the perfect kind of friend to have close by. She is also the owner of a cooking business that uses my kitchen for classes. It will be so convenient to just have to bring things next door! And if we forget her fancy honey, she just has to run next door to grab it. Also, her kids are outside ALL THE TIME so I'm hoping it rubs off on my kids!

 

• I currently hold three jobs. I am a coach at Rachel Olson Coaching, a sous chef at Cook It With Courtney, and now a book distributor! My dad and his business partner wrote an awesome book on transformational leadership! They decided to forgo the standard publishing route and hired me to be their distributor. I have about 2,000 books stacked in my garage and ship them out whenever orders come in. However, despite all these fun jobs, I am thinking about finding some part time temp work in the fall. The recent bigger-than-expected drop in alimony and child support has stretched my budget to the max. My business is growing but I can't count on it to support me fully just yet (but I will!!!!). So for now my plan is to find some very temporary part time work. That will still give me time to work on my business. Of course, if I get another corporate gig like the one I signed last month I won't need to do it. 

 

•  As you recall from a few weeks ago, financial stresses have been weighing on my heavily. I am taking care of three people on less than what I made working before kids. I got rid of my credit card and am on a cash budget now but there is about $10 left at the end of the month. But when God provides, He provides! Last week I got notice that I will be getting a property tax refund which will help a lot. Then I was at a Mastermind meeting and found out that one of the women has a great contact at ProStaff, which will help me with that temp work I need. It was all a huge relief.

• Today I began my Grand Canyon Hike training. I've hiked the canyon 3 times but never really trained for it. I've set a goal for myself as far as training goes. If I fail to meet that goal, I can't hike. I refuse to limp along in misery again this time. If I do it, I want to do it WELL. I will still go on the trip (already bought my ticket) because it has become my fall tradition and I love sharing the trip with my dad. I think this year will be my seventh trip! If you are interested in the hike, check out these two blogs, written by people we hike with each year:

http://gcorbust.blogspot.com/
http://canyonhike.wordpress.com/gear-and-grit-notes-on-being-ready-for-a-great-day/

That's all for tonight!

it's good to have friends

Yesterday was not the best day. I learned a hard lesson about listening to my gut.

Late last night, Courtney and I were texting and she asked if I needed her to come over. I of course said no, because I am not one to burden anyone (other than my mom and sister!) with my stupid problems.

She texted me back that she was coming over anyway. :)

I found myself with a huge smile on my face and feeling very loved. She came over, we ate Oreos and watched Pitch Perfect. It was a delightful evening!

I realized that I say no to love way too often. I don't want to be a burden, or be any trouble. But even though I said no last night, Courtney realized what I needed and came over anyway. That is the definition of friendship.

I'd like to learn to be more open to letting people love on me and love on my kids. I was on an island for so many years where the only way to survive was to keep people out. I'm not on that island anymore. I have nothing to hide anymore.

The island is open. Come on by for a visit. :)

Ethan had a breakthrough!

Something excited happened here last night and I need to capture it here.

Some of you know that the divorce was pretty tough on Ethan. He was very sad and got to a point where he was hurting himself at times. Eventually he was diagnosed with situational depression and we found a good therapist that really helped him.

But with kids, the progress is slow and you don't always see the fruit of your labor when you want.

One of the things we worked on in therapy was Truth Talk vs. Stinkin' Thinkin'. Stinkin' Thinkin' are the lies you have in your head. For example, I'm so stupid, I'm unlovable, I'm the worst boy ever. Truth Talk is what you say to combat those lies. For example, I made a mistake that I can learn from. I may not have all the answers but I can handle it. I was created for a special purpose and am meant to be here.  You get the general idea.

It was an exhausting nightly exercise for many, many months with Ethan. We would sit together on his bed, he would be down on himself, I would encourage Truth Talk. Very difficult to see what I feel is a truly amazing boy be so down on himself.

So flash forward to last night. After I tucked the kids in, Ethan came back down to tell me he had a chat room fight with a friend. He was just explaining to me what had happened and that they worked it out but I was only hearing "cyber bully!!!" in my mind. I told him very firmly that he was not to ever say mean things to a friend online ever again or I would take tech away from him for a very long time. I didn't even really hear what he was actually telling me, which became clear later.

When I went up to bed, there was a long note for me at the top of the stairs. He explained that he made a mistake, that he felt bad about it but that he was glad he apologized. Then he said "I'm a very tired boy, I need to sleep now".

I immediately wrote him a note to see in the morning about how I could've handled that better and praised him for apologizing to his friend and for handling the situation.

Then I creeped into his room just to see if he was still awake and sure enough, he was. We hugged it out and I gave him my note. He told me that he was going to write "I'm a stupid, terrible boy" but then he stopped and realized he was just really tired and that those things weren't true about him.

THIS IS HUGE. I've gotten many notes from him that tell me how horrible he is, how stupid he is, how he is the worst kid ever. Honestly, when I first saw that he had written something last night, I sighed and thought "Here we go again.". My instinct when I get those bad notes is to hug him, tell him how amazing he is and let it go. But that doesn't really get to the heart of the matter--what he believes about himself. He is the only one who can Truth Talk himself. I simply need to put the right tools in his path. I am so proud of him for doing it all on his own this time!

Ethan just made a huge step forward in his emotional health. I want to celebrate him and encourage him to keep moving forward in the right direction!